sand

There'll be more of us coming soon right?
Answers aren't some thing we're given.
We hope and apologize, pray and fight.
Wounds that scar that take the pain to heaven
I work out of my office, my heart broke
 stayed out of the rain I can t complain
those others suffocated and choked
some drown others were left stranded as stains
We saw so many people stop corked
family felt better then certainty 
I ruled the world when I was yours
you where my direction and sanity.
    there is more to us together I'm sure
we'll travel the world and dream and tour

That's a lot to ask someone to do for you. That's all I could think about. I could not imagine being able to help someone so much. It's been years since I've laid on eyes on her, but she's coming back into my life.
We were able to travel together. It was always such a pleasure to move toward one another when really we were really moving apart. It was this love hate relationship. Without her I wasn't able to validate myself. She was always there to encourage me when I failed. I fail all the time.

She was on my mind the night before she called. I still loved her. Here mother had died. She needed  a place to stay in town. She needed to be with someone she trusted.

WHy am i depressed

How do I want to do this. I want to be recognized for what I've done. It's hard being from Edmonton because this is a municipality that would rather get up all hung over and work the rigs then stay up all night and paint the world red. We live in a rust bucket. It's the way it is. If there is any talent here it's eaten up and commercialized then assaulted so bad that it stops working. Good art is always under the radar. It must be. There are people out there that advocate for the shittiest things. Those things often appear to matter but honestly they don't. For example one of #yegs most sponsored youth shelters has over 80 employees. They only take care of 27 kids. They have a 5 million dollar budget. wtf . Plus any kid that uses their programs stays on the streets!! So why does everyone fall for their marketing techniques!! Cause no one really gives a flying fuck!

In the eye

They say it's my fault, that I'm to blame. Well who the fuck are they. They're the middle aged school teachers who're dealing with the issue. What issue, the issue of their daughter. Yeah, just like those boys without fathers, those girls can't even breath the word daddy without digging up some baggage.
End result .... well that's easy. It's a prono, it's T and A baby!
So what? I scratch my balls, you wash my hand I wash your hands, you scratch your ass! Whatever...

So it's my dad's birthday. He's old enough to be my dad and I'm well into adult hood.
He was no Paparazzi. But he taught me about being a photographer. "Be critical" he d say.... He was my mom's one and only. I'm sure what they made together before me was pornography. But they were well into their thirties when I was born. I must have been the wake up call for my mother. ..... Just this big loud voice in her head saying "You can't have another kid with this jerk off!!" He ended up being a jerk off. Most of them do. Fathers. Fathers and mothers are not alike. Daughters and sons breeeeeed!!
The future is looking bleak!! It's cause our kids where bleached by parents who listened to Nirvana! the new pop is to pretend that it doesn't matter. The new pop culture is profoundly unjust. Not Nirvana. It's not my fault, it's just another alarm, another look another sun set.

The truth is I am to blame in part, I have my own generation. My own zen space to waste. I was a child and my dad bought me a camera. It was expensive! I took it to Europe. I took it to the Middle East! I took it to Bangkok. Then everything changed and well that camera my dad bought me when obsolete!! It was a birthday gift for my eleventh birthday. They stopped selling the film even... by the time I was 22! Who's fault is that! Technology is an extension of my penis! I can fuck with everyone now!
And I will. Looking back i can see that no one's looking forward. I'm then the reason they're never going to stop complaining!the minute you open your eyes and listen, you see. There's so many people here judging without any reason, well no good reason. But the sunsets tell us something.

the ailien heads!

the coldness of the night has arrived. Judas is a kiss. So I blow kisses just despite. It's cold. And the world has turned its back on us and decided that we're an insect. At first it thought that maybe we could last and then he gave up and decided to chill the fuck out. We're not all we're all cracked up to be. That's the jist of it. We're not all we're cracking ourselves up to be. Our biggest enemies are stunted nations, Humans are machines. We re hard drives..... societies. There in nothing better then looking into our city scape and seeing the buildings representing something bigger. this is an advancement for our civilizations. Technology is developing to create lines of communications with outside worlds .....

guarding the gates

there is this lump in my throat, there is the thing that I keep remembering.  It's these thoughts that keep me holding my guard up but everything keeps getting away. I don't want a relationship with anyone that doesn't matter. But I make people matter in my life, so it sucks when you give into some and give them the trust, and they break that. That trust, that direction you tell people you're going. So many are looking for a direction, they think that direction in life has something to do with the relationships you're in but that is not the case. The only way you know where you're going in life is when you know that you can trust yourself. I know that those fat cat individuals love to run your instinct into the ground, and they're right to do so, especially if they are more successful in life than you are. The successful people got there by getting people to need them. But they only offer guidance that can help them. They don't look past themselves. That makes sense, they stay stronger then most, they're able to create legacy's and often create an appearance of someone or something that actually cared, but that's seldom the case. 

So ill Rob you.

What do I do when I want to speak to someone who's dead. It's easy I just listen to the voice in her head. The people I love and admire are still alive and I love them. I'm lucky to say things that matter to me like that. ....
They think that because you were out all night and drinking that you didn't do any work... But you did right?
Yeah.
What did you do?
I turned a couple of tricks and robbed Joseph.
Why did you Rob Joseph?
Fuck off, don't ask me that shit.
What shit? Why did you fucking rob Joseph.
He was making me hunger..... He kept coming around with this microwave oven and I just wasn't into it.
What do you mean? You didn't like the fact that the fucker was running around packing heat? All bundled up eating his hungry man! Fuck
He had enough, he was working the rigs.... Did you know that his seventeen year old daughter was pregnant.
What?
Yeah, and she had an abortion! Did you know that???
What! Joseph had a daughter?
Yeah, and she's seventeen.
Shut up! why the fuck did you rob him then?
 I offered him my last bowl of clam chowder.  I was like "Joseph! Hey!! Have the rest of my chowder!" And he told me to fuck off and splashed the clam soup right into my face.

So what.

photojounalissssp asshole

The Plan was to see what was happening. We we're on top of the valley and we wanted to see what it looked like to see everyone down below.

We were privileged enough to have been flown to the top of the world. We were at the right place at the right time when we just happened to make it on the flight!

My mother asked me to take some photographs of everything I saw. My father was a murdered photo journalist that was killed in the Kongo. He died a horrifying death. He wasn't the only one, there were others like him, but that's beside the point. The photographs meant a lot to the community.
Most of the people I grew up around were basic, they had never seen anything outside the boundaries they were trained to maintained. I was always able to set myself apart from that.

The Idea was to get as close to the edge as I could, I thought it would be easy. I thought there would be some sort of protection.
When we landed I quickly took off, left the team behind. It was so easy for me to leave them. It's like they wanted me to get lost.
I did, and sure enough, while taking pictures from the top of the world I fell in. I fell back to where I belonged. I remember tumbling into the world and thinking,

I wonder what my photo journalist father would have done?

she's an ass scratch!

Leave him out of this! He's the reason anyone's ever stuck around you. He's the only thing you got and instead of allowing him to flourish you've been letting his life fall apart. It's what you've been doing. Why's that. What's your problem. 
I know what it is. You want him to fit your mold. The world you've built for yourself.  It's difficult. Doing something like that to someone. Once you realize that you've done it it's already too late.
I've been carefully watching what you've been doing. And you're not the only on involved, but it's not good for him.... why wouldn't you want to be there. What's wrong with you.

fat fish

You ever thought'bout being nice to me
I fell asleep dreaming you'd stay not flee
I was skeptical you could love like us'
you're just a siren, just a mount of dust
clever are those who sing to dance and last
your face is my mirror, my escape cast
voyages through a sea of skepticism
your heart's so full of winter sarcasm
you've drown the children in fear of unknown
your forgotten secrets held on the throne

 Be nice to me I'm with your enemy
I don't love him or his sovereignty
I would destroy him to have you with me
I fell asleep dreaming you'd stay not flee
My siren lost at sea, watching it bleed
her ruins are gathered where the birds feed 
 undressed like her mother fat and ugly
apparently a remnant of humanity