Watch your nipples fall off

SO you guys want a horror story, well then go to the cinema. What happened tonight is not that exciting. My first fare barfed. Good thing I got convenience bags. Bada boom, super puke savers. First he got it all over the side of the car(the outside). We were on the Yellow head and he stuck his face out into traffic and hurled. Beautiful sight, rugged. Yes, midterms are finito. Kids get fucked up right after the test. I drove these two dudes from North Carolina, I fucking adore Americans. They seem to understand what they are in the world. These guys wanted a good time so they went to the Ranch. The 25 year old picked up a thirty something women and convinced her to get him some blow. I told him Canadian blow consists of Meth. He was like "guess I'm gonna get real messed up" and laughed. His buddy picked up a younger lady, neither of them could think about anything else other then doing some rails then smoking some Canadian chronic and banging some local tail. You go boys, Hit that shit. Just remember if they can hook up all the drugs under the sun you might get burnt. Need to double wrap that money maker cause those wives you got at home I'm sure are waiting for your sunshine STD free. Stay safe though, and cheat on your women. Yesssss. I think I'm kind of a chauvinist pig. I love women, but I don't understand them. The taxi lets me watch people from such a unique perspective. I fall in love with most of my clients, I love the honesty and the speed I establish a relationship. I don't really fall in love I just totally submerse myself in their lives. As best I can and sometimes I don't want them to leave. They get the fuck out though and I go on my merry way, love or no love the recession is gonna blow us out of the water.
PS
Fuck Fort Mac! (that comes from almost all the fares I've driven that lived there as children) it's going to be a scare in Canadian history. But hey just take another crack hit you'll forget about it, then cheat on your spouse. And don't tell me that doesn't happen I drove her home last night from his place sucker.

Ten Second Epic Ruled

I need a distraction, I need to find another way to write a killer blog and make money. I need a faster car. I need to start selling drugs to make ends meet. I need to drop a bomb on this city. I wish I was God, Fuck!
No fucking money and it's so cold I have become suicidal. One of my personal fares gave me a great story. The Columbus Blue Jackets were in town to play the Oilers. We kicked ass I'm sure. Well during his visit Jared Bowl was sad and lonely and he met up with this one client of mine. Now she isn't one of those girls, but when he threw her his digits she just couldn't resist. She called him and a few minutes later found herself drinking with some friends and a bunch of hockey players. SO she shoots a couple back and out of nowhere Jared Bowl throws her into a closet where she gives him a blow job and he fucks the shit out of her. I asked "was he any good?" She said "I don't know I was too drunk." Well I'm happy she remembered that much it was a good story. She's hot too, I always wonder why she's single. I can't fucking stand hockey players. Maybe because I'm out pushing hack for jack shit and the kid not only makes a shit load of cash a year but all he has to do is toss his number on a bar to score. Life.
The York, fucking York Hotel, I recommend it to any new comers to Edmonton. It's a first class Hotel. Close to downtown and all the amenities, including the cop shop. So I pick up a fine couple there. Mr.Morrison and a whore. Ugly manly whore, but Mr. Morrison digs it. I drive them to a liquor store on Stony Plain Rd. They both get out to buy the booze. On the way back they need to stop into Brados (another classy west end joint). When they finally came back Mr.Morrison had this to say "J" that's what he called me "J, have you ever had to hang the rat out a bit?" I said "yes" paused "don't we all?" Then Morrison said "well have you ever had a pip squeak pop out the other side while you were pushing." I said "sure it could happen to the best of us." Then he told me "I didn't even realize what was happening till the sucker started to stretch the cotton." Fuck Mr.Morrison shit his pants. The whore kept laughing, I'm guessing she couldn't wait for the rim job she was destined to do when the beer is done. I'm awful, but I'm the best.

I have an electric taxi

really it runs on Lightning

My Brother is a Genius

Engineers who work for oil companies are, in my opinion as useless to mankind as all the kids that are getting out of school with a welding degree(is there such a thing). Sorry kids but fuck there is only so much pipe to weld. Maybe some of those sell out engineers can whip up something for you kids to glue together with metal. If not why don't all you welders weld us up some jail cells so we have a place to throw all the sellout Fort Mac supporters. Cause we all know that in the future, I mean I hope all the pigs that supported the oil sands will be punished. If its good for the economy but bad for life then it's got to go. Fort McMurray: Tar Sands from Space check it out engineers, that is if you can pull yourselves away from the teenage ass at the Union. I'm sure working in Fort Mac has only made you guys a much more cultured bunch then the teenage boys those girls usually want to fuck. But hey all that money you make selling out mother nature is well spent on the blow. Keep it up guys, I'm sure our environment is in good hands with men like you around to engineer up new ways to destroy her homeostasis. Enough about the dirty oil bastards. What happened tonight...........not much. Have you guys ever heard of a FauxMo Sexual. It's a guy who goes to gay bars to fuck the straight ladies. You see he pretends he's gay and then he pounces on the girl that wants to set him straight. Ha. Lots of nice people tonight. I drove a bunch to St Albert, the only reason I'm mentioning them is because they are going to see the Kings of Leon and I'm very jealous. I'm going to see Ten Second Epic tonight. Starlight room. I'm stocked. I'm gonna get fucked and take a cab and blog about it loaded. Some kids in the car were all fucked up on Pregabalin they said that any drug connoisseur would really enjoy it. You hear that drug addicts, go break your back or something.
Ticket Master. Drove a manager. O.k so what ticket master supposedly does is add a surcharge to the ticket price. The surcharge is 13 dollars. The thing about it is the whole thirteen bucks doesn't go to Ticket Master. A percentage goes to "Others". I guess the promoters get big cuts. Sometimes they use charities to produce a larger gain on the surcharges. Ticket master is just getting the brunt of it because it was the middle man. Ticket Master was just there to make money. Imagine if Ticket master was controlled by a guy that wanted as many kids as possible to see Kings of Leon, or even Ten Second Epic. Imagine if Ticket Master Cared. Imagine if the engineers cared, then I'm sure we would need more welders and a lot more bands.

Women love motor boats

Thank You Very Much, this letter means very much to me, no joke


I count the money I made when I get home. Fuck lately I've been avoiding it. Tonight was a good night for me. Lots of laughs. Lots of drugs. First group, two English dudes. They thought I was gay cause I told them that three dudes once blew each other in the back seat. I drove them to Joey Tomatoes on Jasper where they got a patron/drug pusher of the bar to come out and sell them some Canadian cocaine. I'm calling it Canadian cocaine because it's been cut with every dirty cleaning product under your sink, and then they add Meth. The Meth adds the extra zinger. Canadians usually can't tell the difference because not many have traveled to Columbia. These English dudes thought the coke was good, I don't think they've ever been to South America either. Well anyway they snorted the blow in the back of the cab, on their way to suit 69. I wonder, if I'm gay cause three dudes fucked around in the back, am I a drug addict cause some English fellows snorted blow in the back. You tell me boys. They lost a gram in the back seat but they were so high from the first snort of crank they didn't care about the lose. Then there was this group of young teenage boys. Nirvana was playing while they were getting in. "Where you guy's going" I asked, with the music blaring in the background."St Albert" on of them answered. I turned "Drain you" up full blast. The song ended. We started to talk. The young dudes realized I'm one of the best cab drivers they were ever going to have, they asked me to stop at a bank. While we searched for a ATM I found out the boys were hopped up on Acid. Yes the LSD Lucy in the sky with Diamonds is what they said. All three were tripping balls, but I wasn't a downer. People tripping on hallucinogens can be scary. To tell you guys the truth, during the boom the only drug that showed it's face was Cocaine and Crack (brother and his cheap whore sister). The last few weeks the mushrooms and the LSD have been bobbing around. I don't know how I feel about that. Those types of drugs (Psychedelics) fuck people up in a manner that makes them less predictable. Irrational, erratic, fun and scary all at the same time. These boys were planning to rip a cabby off, but God sent them me, they paid me cause they wanted to. I was a trip for them. Then there was the Gang girl. She is still around. I really like her. You guys she is a gorgeous women. Dark skin, nice eyes, great body and a crack habit she just can't keep under wrap. I bought her a sandwich and drove her for free. She told me stories I can't write down, they're about the gangs. Fuck now I know to much. Way to much. I started asking her why she won't get out. I told her that she could use her looks to snag a guy with a future. I told her she could get away. She said "I wouldn't be happy." I looked at her and said "No one is. it's a dream, its a metaphor, its a chase and lady all you got to do is run." She smiled. I asked her "Is there more to it, is there something busted up there in that head of yours?" I was implying some sort of abuse might have occurred in her childhood. We talked about her dad, who never abused her, but never gave her the love she wanted. Well that's what I got out of what she said. I like her a lot. She's interesting and has stories about sex, drugs, gangs violence and even murder (no joke) but she is going to die on the streets if she doesn't run away. I hope I get to see her again, she's a friend. My Dad called me tonight. Late, from the Airport, he needed a taxi, sorry Pops, sorry I couldn't be there for you.

love the red shoes/ Obstacle

Tonight was a generally happy night, lots of personals. Mostly my own clients, new and old. There was this couple. These two girls from Nova Scotia, they were drunk. One of them told me she made out with another Cabby so he'd knock 3 bucks off. After she kissed him he offered her a free ride for another kiss. She did it. I'd take the money and run. One of the fares took my money and ran. It was a great situation. SO I'm waiting outside a bar. On the Rocks. The only reason I'm there is because I'm second in line. That bar pumps out work. The clientele is clean. Lots of International flare there, fun people. Tonight was quiet but people were in the Bars. I waited in line, it's something you have to do lately. I don't do it often. I remember I saw the girl before she even left the bar. I saw her stumbling around inside, through the windows. I knew she was next. SHe was tossed in by a Spanish Fellow. SHe sat up front. SHe actually forced herself into the front seat. The dude sat in the back. He told her to tell me her address, she didn't want to tell me. It was because of him. SHe had been stringing him along probably the whole night and then she forgot his name. SHe pointed the direction she lived in and we drove that way. We got the guy out to not far from the bar, she was reluctant to go anywhere with him. As soon as he got out I asked for the address. SHe said "I want to get fucked up I want cocaine." Then I said " You can't stand up straight, you are fucked up, go home." SHe was the touchy feely type. Harmless, but close. Weird. Stuff like that doesn't happen to people at work too regularly. I'm not hot but I'm cute and sometimes fares get close. It's a rush for sure but not something that can ever be acted upon. This chick was laying it on hard. SHe wanted coke. I told her "we could go to 711" she smirked. Hands poking at me. I told her "you're lucky that you got in my cab, someone else might take you seriously." She had this twenty dollar bill in her hand. SHe lived downtown not far from the bar. She worked up a 18$ fare. She was stalling the whole time. Just drunk, trying to get me to do drugs with her. The girl wasn't a hooker or anything. I sat there, looking at her as I was parked in front of her high rise and notices the scares. She was showing a lot of skin. Slutty like. The scares were cuts. She was a cutter. The most intense one was on her neck. She was toast. Fucking drunk, trying to get me to go upstairs with her and do drugs, have sex. I told her she was crazy. SHe knew it, she had also seemed to misplace the twenty dollar bill. I told her I'd help her get inside then I asked "where is the 20 bucks." It was on the floor board, it fell as she was getting out of the car. SHe fucking took that twenty dollars and ran on me. Showed me the finger and ran away on me. I got out of the car and asked her if she's really ditching me. SHe did. Fucking money, the trip was worth it, it was intense. I get tempted with stuff all the time, it's thrilling. Over coming moral obstacles is the most difficult part to my job.
Now I have these clients. Well it's this one chick from Lister hall. She's spending reading week in the dorms. The University residence is a hard core building. 1800 mostly adolescent teens living amongst each other. This chick is cool. SHe has this friend from PEI I think. Tonight her friend danced. She was wild. Awesome. She rocked out to "Turbo Lover" by Judas Priest. It was sweet one of those moments of innocents. Youth.

Get Bent

Again very few fares to tell you about. The Economy is changing, or maybe it's because of reading week. The U of A is out for spring break and that's where the money is made. Nice young naive university children and their huge appetite for sex, drugs and a safe ride home. Yeah right!So tonight was kind of another joke but I got some good stories. There were these two nice ladies traveling to Cuba. They told me that they once had a friend go there with her just married sister. Since the sister was not going to cheat on her new husband, the other sister needed to get laid by a Cuban man in secret. As not to create some sort of jealous tension I guess. Well one day during the vacation one of the lost pieces of luggage that that the married sister had brought and lost on the way had arrived. This gave the horny sister a half hour to go find a Cuban to plow her. Well I guess according to my fare she found one. The Bartender. They told me he fucked her on one of the tables at the restaurant. In a half hour. They also told me that later that night her and her sister ate supper at the same table. Who doesn't wish they were in Cuba right now?
Hey did you guys hear, Obama hit up Canada? Do you know what he called Alberta's Oil sand production, "Dirty Oil?" That's right! See if Oil was a drug Saudi Arabia would have oil that's like Cocaine. Now that makes Alberta's Environmental catastrophe oil "Crack." Is that what you were going to say. Wrong! Well Alberta is cheaper then crack our oil is the equivalent of dirt trailer park Meth. Fucking greed took us so deep. Well I hope Harper likes swallowing ex presidents Bushes toxic cum. We all know the Canadian government was sucking off the Bush administration. Fuck Harper, now he's going to have to blow the black President and hopefully it's going to be a bigger shaft to deep throat. Harper is a greedy whore, and so is anyone that thought that the Oil sands were a good way to feed their families. Mrs.Karma is going to get you don't worry. Oh I saw police chief Mike Boyed walking his K9 last night on 82 ave. I wanted to chase him down and give him my blogs URL so he could read about his inadequacies as a leader but my fare was still in the car.
I also drove this chick that promotes event notorious-events

precious, you guys there is so much more to it

First fare of the night was priceless. Ok, Gollum and two dudes strait out of the Remand center got in my car. The reason I am calling the guy Gollum is because he had long, long hair but he was seriously going bald. He was older and he was definitely holding on to his precious. He sat up front. The two in the back seat were like these two kid with no money hanging off Gollum. You could tell they had been drinking the whole day. One of the guys in the back just got out of jail, yesterday. He was put away for possession of stolen property. They let him out of jail and the first thing he did was get drunk with Gollum. Now they were in my car and they needed cash. They had 40$ on them just in case they couldn't get anymore. Now Gollum had his precious bank card, but he had withdrawn his account limit through the ATMs so he was looking for a store that did cash back. The Safeway, the Shoppers and the London drugs in Jasper Place denied him any cash back. Probably because he looked like Gollum, but a Gollum that had been drinking for like two years straight. The dudes in the back kept suggesting we go to the Wallmart on 185th street and Stony Plain Rd but Gollum wasn't having any part of the Wallmart Idea. "It's too far away" he kept yelling. Then he'd say "I can do this without you guys" in an angry but childish voice and the criminals in the back would shut their traps. Gollum had the card hence he was buying their crack. I asked the dude (the thief) why he didn't just go home. He told me he was staying with his Grand Mother and she was just no fun. I urged him to go home. I told him the crack is just going to lead back to the pen. He told me that they were going to piss test him next week, but he plans on drinking enough booze in the next few day to flush everything out of his system, including the life. We pulled up to the Safeway at West mount and Gollum got out. He went in to get the cash back. We all had our fingers crossed this was going to be the place. When Gollum came back holding a 24 pack of Coke Classic and a fat ass smile we all knew he had finally tapped into his bank account. Their final address was 108ave and 95 street. The Crack area of Edmontons city center. They were going to visit the thief's mom. They all liked me very much. I had to give them all the pound. They were my first fare. It was fun and Gollum tried to leave me a 24 pack of coke but I told him to fuck off and take his pop to Mamas.

Change you're future Ours

SO this is my current view on the situation. The Economy is changing. People are losing jobs. Here in Edmonton. Tonight was February 14Th. valentines day! Dude tonight it was almost impossible to find a fare. Work, lots of circling with no address to got to. No money. Scary No money. People were out. Partying. I had a few fares. Everyone I drove showed me love. But the fares are scarce this season. I'm not used to it. Lots of traffic. The city is changing. Slowing down. One of my fares was a teacher, post secondary. He read my blog. Cool. HE kinda knew me. I love having people in the car. I'm good at that. That's the fundamental aspect of the way I make money. I want people in the car and when I don't get them it's painful. Flags were almost non existent. I love flags so much. It's a show when you pick someone off the street. You put on the right attitude. I get people to dig in. I ask them questions, to figure out "What the fuck". When it's slow it's rough on me. I wanted to blame the drunks, or the cops about tonight. But there is more to it. Its cold, I guess. I want to make the blog more interactive, more real time stuff. I think I would have to have my own Business and do it publicly. Get a fleet of cars. Just little portals into the lives of the thousands of people. No too big brother. We fucking love big Brother. Maybe we need less big brother. This is quickly becoming a new play ground. I think that we're in for a change this year. There is some people who haven't been affected by the change in the economy, but it's gonna happen. It gets you thinking. There is going to be changes on the future. Most likely good ones, but we're gonna have to put up with some turmoil. Some slow nights. I think I'm lucky. People like me, at least while I'm driving them. It's the family day long week end. Hip Hip Hurray. Have fun.
THIS IS AN AWESOME LITTLE EXCHANGE