"Fuck'it!" Everyone thought I was going to agree with them. She did too. "Fuck it I got a car" I told the lot of them to "Screw off and find someone who gives a fuck." I was so proud to feel myself stand up for myself, no one had ever heard me in that room, like they did that night. It was more then I could have ever asked for, but there was that one thing, I needed to make everything right.
She was only a few blocks away, well from my house, but I wasn't at my place. I had a fire lit under my ass by my brother. "Where the fuck you been?" I remembered him asking me.
"Just chill out!" he knew by the way I sounded I was shutting him out. He'd never been a part of that side of me.
"You were with a girl." He was condescending. He was always looking down on me. "Who's she?" He demanded. It was stupid.
"Shut up!" I wasn't in the mood to fight with him, we were at our ants, my cousins kid was just a baby and crying. "You don't know!" he'd never been in love and I knew it, and he knew that I felt differently then he was ever going to let himself.
"You think she's better then us?" he asked to try to make me feel guilty, he wanted me to react.
"No one will ever be as good as you Bro!" I didn't say it nicely. I intended to be offensive, "I'm an idiot man, but I'm finished!"
"What are you fucking finished with" he asked, red faced and blunt, angry. I wasn't able to think about it. I didn't like him anymore. I understood that he didn't like me.
"You piss me off now!" I told em. I was angry too, at that point I was in love with her, and I knew he was never going to understand.
"Are you leaving?" he was standing over me.
Saturday, March 17, 2012
Thursday, March 15, 2012
nature take it's course "
I wanted to run away, I wanted to shrink down and die, but then I remembered how hungry I had been when I first started the trip. The walls of rain were still coming down and I cared. I wanted to succeed. "It'll stop" I sounded optimistic, but it'd been raining for such a long time.
"Yeah!" Fred whimpered gazing out the window. He was resting his elbow on the pane. His nose was pressed up against the glass. "I wish it would stop." The voice sounded like a hungry stomach.
"Fred" I Yelled, he jumped. It was a joke we played on each other. We were both laughing,I turned to him and said "I'm not ready you know." It stopped us both from laughing, cause it wasn't funny. I wasn't ready to go out there.
"You don't have a choice" Fred was always cold, his father was a utilitarian. "It's not gonna get any nicer out there." He sat there with his fat smile. He was Native. "I don't mind the shitty weather" he'd say. I'd always laugh at him cause he wore this worn out old coat.
"Where is your poncho buddy" I'd snikker "it's getting cold" he fucking hated it but it was some of the closest time we 'd ever spent together. I remember the day when I looked at him, and all I could see was a lonely kid, just hungry. "want a new coat?" I asked, he was just another kid. He got pissed off, and it made us both laugh again. "I got you a new coat if you want one!" he didn't care.
"Why aren't you ready," he stopped the giggling to ask. "what makes you so sure you can't cut it?" the way he sounded made me think that maybe I had a chance and he said it like that.
"What'do mean?" I was thinking of a way to change, the rain wasn't going away and I still didn't fee ready.
"It'll never let you be ready" he said smiling.
"You're right!" I agreed knowing I wasn't ready."She's not going to have an abortion though" it made both of us laugh loud.
"You're going to be a dad" his voice seemed deeper "you re going to have to be a dad, you re gonna have ta let
"Yeah!" Fred whimpered gazing out the window. He was resting his elbow on the pane. His nose was pressed up against the glass. "I wish it would stop." The voice sounded like a hungry stomach.
"Fred" I Yelled, he jumped. It was a joke we played on each other. We were both laughing,I turned to him and said "I'm not ready you know." It stopped us both from laughing, cause it wasn't funny. I wasn't ready to go out there.
"You don't have a choice" Fred was always cold, his father was a utilitarian. "It's not gonna get any nicer out there." He sat there with his fat smile. He was Native. "I don't mind the shitty weather" he'd say. I'd always laugh at him cause he wore this worn out old coat.
"Where is your poncho buddy" I'd snikker "it's getting cold" he fucking hated it but it was some of the closest time we 'd ever spent together. I remember the day when I looked at him, and all I could see was a lonely kid, just hungry. "want a new coat?" I asked, he was just another kid. He got pissed off, and it made us both laugh again. "I got you a new coat if you want one!" he didn't care.
"Why aren't you ready," he stopped the giggling to ask. "what makes you so sure you can't cut it?" the way he sounded made me think that maybe I had a chance and he said it like that.
"What'do mean?" I was thinking of a way to change, the rain wasn't going away and I still didn't fee ready.
"It'll never let you be ready" he said smiling.
"You're right!" I agreed knowing I wasn't ready."She's not going to have an abortion though" it made both of us laugh loud.
"You're going to be a dad" his voice seemed deeper "you re going to have to be a dad, you re gonna have ta let
Tuesday, March 13, 2012
Seamstress of the Universe
Thomas Carlyle wrote in a voice he wanted to be heard forever, he was a man of the times, he spoke to the people about his beliefs in humanity and in what people here on the planet earth are to accomplish as individuals. Time is ever-changing everything for the human race, Carlyle openly discuses the defense against holding to one fashion of spirituality. He advocates that free men are to use their liberty to work toward the common good. Leaders, in Carlyle’s eyes, are seen as producers that can connect with something beyond money and statistics. Fulfillment of nature’s cause is inevitable in Carlyle’s world. His manner of unveiling by unraveling the true nature of Gods purpose for us was Thomas Carlyle’s way of reveling himself as a finite thread in the infinite cloak of nature.
Carlyle insists on presenting us with the fact that through the process of time our civilizations change, he believes that humans need to adapt to the changes as we step forward into future eras. We must change according to him through time because for people to perceive the true order of nature they must be able to comprehend it. Carlyle says’
“In every new era, too, such Solution comesout in different terms; and every the Solution of the last era has become obsolete, and is found unserviceable. For it is man’s nature to change Dialect from century to century;” (1021)
It’s our nature, to manipulate nature. Carlyle encourages innovation through time. He mentions
“much more his collective stock of Handicrafts, the whole Faculty he has acquired of manipulating Nature: all these things, as indispensable and priceless as they are cannot in anyway be fixed under lock and key, but must flit, spirit-like, on impalpable vehicles, from Father to Son”(1012)
He succeeds in defining that the essence of our nature is as ever evolving. Current “Handicrafts” have spun into many different forms, now we have people tinkering on Blogs, and Cellphones. Change is seen as a pleasant inevitability in the early Victorian era, yet only under the right context.
Carlyle doesn’t think we can ever ultimately be satisfied through happiness. He finds us searching for the truth, only to find that “Man’s Unhappiness… comes of his Greatness; it is because there is an Infinite in him, which with all his cunning he cannot quite bury under the Finite.”(1021) He goes on to tell us that if we were to try ”to make one Shoeblack Happy” that we would need “no more, and no less: God’s infinite universe altogether to himself, therein to enjoy infinitely, and fill every wish as fast as it rose.”(1021) Man is unable to fill that void. Mans claim that he can succeed in feeling “Happy” is a joke to Carlyle. He calls out to anyone trying to attain happiness “Foolish soul! What Act of Legislature was there that thou shouldst be Happy? A little while ago thou hadst no right to be at all.” (1021) Carlyle claims to know that “there is in man a Higher than Love of Happiness: he can do without Happiness, and instead thereof find Blessedness!” (1022) Embracing life as beyond just the material and pleasant, Carlyle projects us into the world ready to serve ourselves to be the best we can be.
In accordance with the laws of nature, Carlyle say’s humans need to find themselves. He believes that we are inherently capable to hear what‘s in our hearts “Feel it in thy heart, and then say whether it is of God! This is Belief; all else is Opinion,” (1023) Carlyle asks us to question killing one another over “Plenary inspiration”(1023) in following the natural will of God Carlyle say’s “We have here not a Whole Duty of Man, yet a Half Duty, namely the Passive half: could we but do it, as we can demonstrate it!” (1023) He even instructs us how to ‘Do the Duty which lies nearest thee, which thou knowest to be a Duty! Thy second Duty will already have become clear.” (1023) The general feel that is given off by Carlyle’s pros is that if man does follow nature honestly from the heart, it will look ‘to a certain extent’ like “Applied Christianity”(1023).
Freedom in the views of the Carlyle is a divine right to be in the best you can be. We are told
“Liberty? The true liberty of a man, you would say, consisted in his finding out, or being forced to find out, the right path, and to walk thereon. To learn, or be taught, what work he actually was able for; and then by permission, persuasion, and even compulsion, to set about doing of the same! That is his true blessedness, honour, “liberty” (1027)
Carlyle compels his readers to become independent in their actions. He demands that any authority figures have a certain set of qualities, “if thou really art my Wiser, may a beneficent instinct lead and impel thee to “conquer” me, to command me! If thou do know better than I what is good and right”(1027) Individuals who are prone to know better in the past Carlyle makes remarks of, he refers to the
“Founders of Aristocracies. Which indeed have they not the most “divine right “ to found; being themselves very truly Aristoi, Bravest, Best; and conquering generally a confused rabble of Worst, or at lowest, clearly enough, of Worse? (1027)
He picks on Willelmus Conquaestor, Carlyle saying “he by no means felt himself doing Nature’s work, this Willelmus, but his own work exclusively” (1028) Carlyle says that “When a world, not yet doomed for death, is rushing down to ever-deeper Baseness and Confusion, it is a dire necessity of Nature’s to bring on her Aristocracies, her best, even by forcible methods.” (1028) He concludes Democracy by confronting us with the fact that the most difficult aspect of it all is “That of finding government by your Real Superiors!” (1029 )
So we’ve been introduced to a world where we know the best need to step up and cry out for virtue and justice. Carlyle say’s that “Managing the Working Classes, will, it is very clear, have to be solve by those who stand practically in the middle of it; by those who themselves work and preside over work.” (1029) Yet Carlyle still sees no end to the chaos, as long as he can ask “Why the deadly hast to make money? I shall go to Hell, even if I do not make money! There is another Hell, I am told!”(1029) The solutions to England’s and the world’s problems if they are to be solved by the working middle class, well have to be done by a group of individuals who actually believe they are destined to lead the people. Carlyle asks the people “Awake, O nightmare sleepers; awake, arise, or be for ever fallen! This is not play house poetry; it is sober fact, Our England, our world cannot live as it is. It will connect itself with a God again, or go down, with nameless throes and fire-consummation to the Devils.” (1030) Carlyle believes that unless the “Captains of Industry” stand up inherently, we’re doomed.
Love forces individuals to remain on the path to righteousness. Carlyle say’s “Love of men cannot be bought by cash-payment; and without love, men cannot endure to be together.” (1031) Economy goes right out the picture there. Love is inequitable in numbers. Victorians were immersed in a utilitarian world that was turning away form the love of humanity to the love of money and its value. This ideology has long since continued and in doing so has created havoc for our future. Carlyle asks
“Good Heavens, will no one French Revolution and Reign of Terror suffice us, but must there be two? There will be two if needed; there will be twenty if needed, there will be precisely as many as needed. The Laws of Nature will have themselves fulfilled. That is a thing certain to me” (1031)
Judging from the appearance of the world today Carlyle may assume we’re going to be forced to go through a new “Reign of Terror.”
Standing up to the almighty day’s wages as a unit that looks past the moment of the day toward the soul of man. Carlyle encourages us to be human, he say’s “ The Feudal Baron had a Man’s Soul in him; to which anarchy, mutiny, and the other fruits of temporary mercenaries, were intolerable: he had never been a Baron otherwise, but had continued a Chactaw and Bucanier. “(1032) Carlyle tells us to conquer ourselves like we conquered “the waste cotton-shrub, long used, disobedient, as the thistle by the wayside… made it into beautiful bandana webs; white woven shirts for men,” we made it our own, human. We worked on it over time and made something that is still around. Humans have to recognize themselves as people from “the land of Difficulties Conquered.” (1033)It is in our nature to push forward, not for pleasure or money, but for our selves our nature, our soul.
Listening to the sounds on the streets today, we find that the words of Thomas Carlyle still resonate with us. Through the use of his pros he succeeds in persuading us that man has a chance at remaining at the top of nature. Time is something that we must find ourselves adapting too. Religion is a force we use to continue to push us toward a noble future, a future where men with skill and the tenacity to enforce it, thrive. Nature is on her course according to Carlyle, and he thinks we’re blessed to be able to use our minds and work with it. Carlyle can see what lies beneath the stains of man, and he thinks we should just get a new coat to replace the old one.
Work Cited
Carlyle, Thomas. Sartor Resartus, Eight Eitiond The Norton Anthology . ED
Stephen Greenblatt. New York .2006. 1006-1024 Print.
Carlyle, Thomas. Past and Present, Eight Eitiond The Norton Anthology . ED
Stephen Greenblatt. New York .2006. 1024-1033 Print.
Carlyle insists on presenting us with the fact that through the process of time our civilizations change, he believes that humans need to adapt to the changes as we step forward into future eras. We must change according to him through time because for people to perceive the true order of nature they must be able to comprehend it. Carlyle says’
“In every new era, too, such Solution comesout in different terms; and every the Solution of the last era has become obsolete, and is found unserviceable. For it is man’s nature to change Dialect from century to century;” (1021)
It’s our nature, to manipulate nature. Carlyle encourages innovation through time. He mentions
“much more his collective stock of Handicrafts, the whole Faculty he has acquired of manipulating Nature: all these things, as indispensable and priceless as they are cannot in anyway be fixed under lock and key, but must flit, spirit-like, on impalpable vehicles, from Father to Son”(1012)
He succeeds in defining that the essence of our nature is as ever evolving. Current “Handicrafts” have spun into many different forms, now we have people tinkering on Blogs, and Cellphones. Change is seen as a pleasant inevitability in the early Victorian era, yet only under the right context.
Carlyle doesn’t think we can ever ultimately be satisfied through happiness. He finds us searching for the truth, only to find that “Man’s Unhappiness… comes of his Greatness; it is because there is an Infinite in him, which with all his cunning he cannot quite bury under the Finite.”(1021) He goes on to tell us that if we were to try ”to make one Shoeblack Happy” that we would need “no more, and no less: God’s infinite universe altogether to himself, therein to enjoy infinitely, and fill every wish as fast as it rose.”(1021) Man is unable to fill that void. Mans claim that he can succeed in feeling “Happy” is a joke to Carlyle. He calls out to anyone trying to attain happiness “Foolish soul! What Act of Legislature was there that thou shouldst be Happy? A little while ago thou hadst no right to be at all.” (1021) Carlyle claims to know that “there is in man a Higher than Love of Happiness: he can do without Happiness, and instead thereof find Blessedness!” (1022) Embracing life as beyond just the material and pleasant, Carlyle projects us into the world ready to serve ourselves to be the best we can be.
In accordance with the laws of nature, Carlyle say’s humans need to find themselves. He believes that we are inherently capable to hear what‘s in our hearts “Feel it in thy heart, and then say whether it is of God! This is Belief; all else is Opinion,” (1023) Carlyle asks us to question killing one another over “Plenary inspiration”(1023) in following the natural will of God Carlyle say’s “We have here not a Whole Duty of Man, yet a Half Duty, namely the Passive half: could we but do it, as we can demonstrate it!” (1023) He even instructs us how to ‘Do the Duty which lies nearest thee, which thou knowest to be a Duty! Thy second Duty will already have become clear.” (1023) The general feel that is given off by Carlyle’s pros is that if man does follow nature honestly from the heart, it will look ‘to a certain extent’ like “Applied Christianity”(1023).
Freedom in the views of the Carlyle is a divine right to be in the best you can be. We are told
“Liberty? The true liberty of a man, you would say, consisted in his finding out, or being forced to find out, the right path, and to walk thereon. To learn, or be taught, what work he actually was able for; and then by permission, persuasion, and even compulsion, to set about doing of the same! That is his true blessedness, honour, “liberty” (1027)
Carlyle compels his readers to become independent in their actions. He demands that any authority figures have a certain set of qualities, “if thou really art my Wiser, may a beneficent instinct lead and impel thee to “conquer” me, to command me! If thou do know better than I what is good and right”(1027) Individuals who are prone to know better in the past Carlyle makes remarks of, he refers to the
“Founders of Aristocracies. Which indeed have they not the most “divine right “ to found; being themselves very truly Aristoi, Bravest, Best; and conquering generally a confused rabble of Worst, or at lowest, clearly enough, of Worse? (1027)
He picks on Willelmus Conquaestor, Carlyle saying “he by no means felt himself doing Nature’s work, this Willelmus, but his own work exclusively” (1028) Carlyle says that “When a world, not yet doomed for death, is rushing down to ever-deeper Baseness and Confusion, it is a dire necessity of Nature’s to bring on her Aristocracies, her best, even by forcible methods.” (1028) He concludes Democracy by confronting us with the fact that the most difficult aspect of it all is “That of finding government by your Real Superiors!” (1029 )
So we’ve been introduced to a world where we know the best need to step up and cry out for virtue and justice. Carlyle say’s that “Managing the Working Classes, will, it is very clear, have to be solve by those who stand practically in the middle of it; by those who themselves work and preside over work.” (1029) Yet Carlyle still sees no end to the chaos, as long as he can ask “Why the deadly hast to make money? I shall go to Hell, even if I do not make money! There is another Hell, I am told!”(1029) The solutions to England’s and the world’s problems if they are to be solved by the working middle class, well have to be done by a group of individuals who actually believe they are destined to lead the people. Carlyle asks the people “Awake, O nightmare sleepers; awake, arise, or be for ever fallen! This is not play house poetry; it is sober fact, Our England, our world cannot live as it is. It will connect itself with a God again, or go down, with nameless throes and fire-consummation to the Devils.” (1030) Carlyle believes that unless the “Captains of Industry” stand up inherently, we’re doomed.
Love forces individuals to remain on the path to righteousness. Carlyle say’s “Love of men cannot be bought by cash-payment; and without love, men cannot endure to be together.” (1031) Economy goes right out the picture there. Love is inequitable in numbers. Victorians were immersed in a utilitarian world that was turning away form the love of humanity to the love of money and its value. This ideology has long since continued and in doing so has created havoc for our future. Carlyle asks
“Good Heavens, will no one French Revolution and Reign of Terror suffice us, but must there be two? There will be two if needed; there will be twenty if needed, there will be precisely as many as needed. The Laws of Nature will have themselves fulfilled. That is a thing certain to me” (1031)
Judging from the appearance of the world today Carlyle may assume we’re going to be forced to go through a new “Reign of Terror.”
Standing up to the almighty day’s wages as a unit that looks past the moment of the day toward the soul of man. Carlyle encourages us to be human, he say’s “ The Feudal Baron had a Man’s Soul in him; to which anarchy, mutiny, and the other fruits of temporary mercenaries, were intolerable: he had never been a Baron otherwise, but had continued a Chactaw and Bucanier. “(1032) Carlyle tells us to conquer ourselves like we conquered “the waste cotton-shrub, long used, disobedient, as the thistle by the wayside… made it into beautiful bandana webs; white woven shirts for men,” we made it our own, human. We worked on it over time and made something that is still around. Humans have to recognize themselves as people from “the land of Difficulties Conquered.” (1033)It is in our nature to push forward, not for pleasure or money, but for our selves our nature, our soul.
Listening to the sounds on the streets today, we find that the words of Thomas Carlyle still resonate with us. Through the use of his pros he succeeds in persuading us that man has a chance at remaining at the top of nature. Time is something that we must find ourselves adapting too. Religion is a force we use to continue to push us toward a noble future, a future where men with skill and the tenacity to enforce it, thrive. Nature is on her course according to Carlyle, and he thinks we’re blessed to be able to use our minds and work with it. Carlyle can see what lies beneath the stains of man, and he thinks we should just get a new coat to replace the old one.
Work Cited
Carlyle, Thomas. Sartor Resartus, Eight Eitiond The Norton Anthology . ED
Stephen Greenblatt. New York .2006. 1006-1024 Print.
Carlyle, Thomas. Past and Present, Eight Eitiond The Norton Anthology . ED
Stephen Greenblatt. New York .2006. 1024-1033 Print.
Monday, March 12, 2012
white mustang convertible
Standing around outside the school made her feel awkward. She looked like a slut. She knew he liked her dressed in heels and short skirts. She actually liked that he liked her at all. It made her heart beat. It made her feel alive. She loved him for it, she loved him for being alive. He wasn't that much older then her but he was able to make her want to get up in the morning. "That's all I want from you Jack" she quietly whispered to herself on the way to work. She was sitting next to her daughter. She was teaching her to drive. "You're doing really good you know!" she said to the sixteen year old girl. "Mom!" the voice was soothing to her. "You've let me drive to school for the last three weeks. This is getting easy!" She was beginning to drive with confidence up the busy freeway every morning. "You know we're going to get you a car this summer!" she could see the glow in her eyes. "Mom dad bought me a white
Friday, March 9, 2012
"you told me you didn't drink!"
"you just stay smart" he told her standing outside the bar. The neon lights were shinning in their faces. They looked at each other as one after another a group of colorfully dressed ladies decided to go in. The red carpet seemed so inviting. "So you think you're going to go inside tonight." He stood next to her and said nothing. She just looked up at him. The street was full of traffic, it was almost Friday night. "You working this weekend?" She asked. "No" he told her sternly, "I just wanted to mention to you that you're doing really well filling up the blog!"Their project entailed so much work. He was right. "Thanks Sonny!" the word broke through, like a beam of sunlight. "I didn't think you'd noticed that I'm really starting to work so hard." He could tell that she was starved for appreciation. "Yeah, I know what ya mean. I know what it feels like to work your ass of for nothing." He talked gently, as some passers by contemplated going inside. It was three men in suits, and after a moments hesitation they dove into the establishment.
She looked in past the lights into the darkness of the inside, then back into the night on the streets. "You don't want to go back in there!" his smile annoyed her. "How do you know that?" her voice broke seeing a police car pull up to the traffic light to stop. "I want a cigarette!" the car annoyed her. "I don't smoke!" hearing him say that made her feel sick because she remembered what she told him.
"you told me you don't smoke!" he reacted. With a breezy satisfied look she glanced over her shoulder to look at him and said "I only smoke when I'm drunk." Her face was red. Looking back at her with a crooked smile he snarled
She looked in past the lights into the darkness of the inside, then back into the night on the streets. "You don't want to go back in there!" his smile annoyed her. "How do you know that?" her voice broke seeing a police car pull up to the traffic light to stop. "I want a cigarette!" the car annoyed her. "I don't smoke!" hearing him say that made her feel sick because she remembered what she told him.
"you told me you don't smoke!" he reacted. With a breezy satisfied look she glanced over her shoulder to look at him and said "I only smoke when I'm drunk." Her face was red. Looking back at her with a crooked smile he snarled
Thursday, March 8, 2012
and I was.
"Is the camera man high?" asked the sober seventeen year old girl sitting in the back of the class room. The teacher let off a gasp. "What?" he stepped in front of the projector and exhaled. "You think he's high?" The whole class laughed. So did Mr.Rochester. "No.. well kinda!" I could feel the rush of blood to my face. I got hot.
The next thing I remember was the smell of chlorine. I don't know why it smelt of chlorine but it did. i remember coming to. My head was hurting.
"You asked the teacher if he was on drugs Josy!" The sound of his voice was unexpected. The room I was laying in was unfamiliar... or was it. "Jeff?" my voice sent shock waves of pain up my spin through to my temples. It was horrible enough for me to shut my eyes and cramp up. I was sick. "Don't even try moving, he poisoned you!" The voice sounded gentle.
"Jeff?"again my own voice cause a backlash of pain.
"Stop speaking" he persisted, "You've been attacked Sydney! You don't have to try to talk to us, we can see you we know what's going on, try to shut your eyes and relax." It wasn't Jeff, it sounded just like him, except Jeff would have never been so mean, or cold. I couldn't think. "How much did you take?" I lay there and wondered what the voice was talking about. "We found..." I could tell he was looking away. My head was throbbing with pain. I was sad. Turning back he said "we know what you were carrying in your back pack." my mind exploded.
"Don't touch her" I yelled, throwing my aching body up and out of the position I found myself trapped in. "Don't you fucking touch her" I yelled, trying to force my eyes open. It hurt the room was brightly lit. I felt lit. Red hot and alone. As I opened mt eyes the world began go come alive around me. The light began dancing. I started to have the sensation that I was flying. Then I looked down
The next thing I remember was the smell of chlorine. I don't know why it smelt of chlorine but it did. i remember coming to. My head was hurting.
"You asked the teacher if he was on drugs Josy!" The sound of his voice was unexpected. The room I was laying in was unfamiliar... or was it. "Jeff?" my voice sent shock waves of pain up my spin through to my temples. It was horrible enough for me to shut my eyes and cramp up. I was sick. "Don't even try moving, he poisoned you!" The voice sounded gentle.
"Jeff?"again my own voice cause a backlash of pain.
"Stop speaking" he persisted, "You've been attacked Sydney! You don't have to try to talk to us, we can see you we know what's going on, try to shut your eyes and relax." It wasn't Jeff, it sounded just like him, except Jeff would have never been so mean, or cold. I couldn't think. "How much did you take?" I lay there and wondered what the voice was talking about. "We found..." I could tell he was looking away. My head was throbbing with pain. I was sad. Turning back he said "we know what you were carrying in your back pack." my mind exploded.
"Don't touch her" I yelled, throwing my aching body up and out of the position I found myself trapped in. "Don't you fucking touch her" I yelled, trying to force my eyes open. It hurt the room was brightly lit. I felt lit. Red hot and alone. As I opened mt eyes the world began go come alive around me. The light began dancing. I started to have the sensation that I was flying. Then I looked down
Wednesday, March 7, 2012
a gay bar! Bathroom!
"I was not planning on this." it was an omen. He turned to me and asked "What?" I was unhappy. This was the worst situation I'd ever been in. I wanted out. "What were you saying about us." The questioning was his way of getting back on track, little did he know that there was non. The world was coming to an end and no one knew why. Well that was a lie. The world was changing, "Actually!" he said, sitting there smiling. " I ah, ah, well I think that recently I've noticed that people are more driven to engage one another. I was in love with the idea recently, well the idea that this is heaven." My mouth dropped, "but you re an idiot." He smiled, well I have been for a long time but now I think that dreams can come true."
The two of us had to celebrate, we were together and he was ready to accept that this shitty place we live in is sick. "And that's good I think!" He said, excited. "It allowed us to hone are skills as problem solvers before we hit space!" I was astonished. "You fucking dirty imbecile, you finally have half a clue, what happened!" My surprise didn't baffle him. "Well" he remarked looking back at his big black truck. "I was born in the richest nation in the world!" his eyes met with the wind shield. " I'm so lucky to have that truck." he was right. "I was becoming a failure!" things were spinning our of control around me. "I want to lead the world to it's own destruction," and he was serious, "But you re almost unconscious." and then I woke up alone and in
The two of us had to celebrate, we were together and he was ready to accept that this shitty place we live in is sick. "And that's good I think!" He said, excited. "It allowed us to hone are skills as problem solvers before we hit space!" I was astonished. "You fucking dirty imbecile, you finally have half a clue, what happened!" My surprise didn't baffle him. "Well" he remarked looking back at his big black truck. "I was born in the richest nation in the world!" his eyes met with the wind shield. " I'm so lucky to have that truck." he was right. "I was becoming a failure!" things were spinning our of control around me. "I want to lead the world to it's own destruction," and he was serious, "But you re almost unconscious." and then I woke up alone and in
Tuesday, March 6, 2012
DOn't put it in your arm.
There was no need for me to apologize and I knew that. They were all out to get me right from the start. I was ready. They thought I 'd lose. No Joke. But who cares what I thought. They were caught stuck and waiting for a solution.
"Johny, I always knew that you had nothing to do with that fire." Jeff would say. I saw him saying it. He was always the first to apologize. He always was the last to jump fence.
"Don't worry bout it Jeff! It's all the brains we get, they got nothing on our heart." he could see by the scars left behind by the fire that I wasn't kidding. "You 're looking good man!" His voice represented everyone's voice, including hers. She was in the room, kinda. Listening, looking back, so angry.
"I was only sixteen!" I could hear her speak.
"You could of been sixty for all I give a shit!" I could see her now. She was hurt. They all knew what we did. "No need to apologize" my voice broke as I stepped toward the front of the door that lead to the office, the doors that broke down our wall half a world away. "We're almost there" I told them. There were all there listening. I said to her, "I love you baby!" she was so broken. She ran upstairs. I wanted to follow but she was on the other side of herself.
"The Doctors said you should keep still Johny." Jeff was right, but I didn't care.
"I wanna go upstairs!" It was funny, I wasn't fit to walk and I was chasing a bitch that burnt me, to the upstairs of my place to tell her.... That I love her. "So she was only sixteen, but that was six years ago." Everyone heard me. Not one of them understood me. It was joke. Life wasn't really.
I remember running upstairs, but it was very slowly, not because I wasn't able to move but because I was all fucked up on some pharmaceutical shit. It was great, I remember running past the mirror and seeing my face, I was so high, I was burnt so bad. I didn't... I wasn't here to apologize I wanted her to look at me, to acknowledge me. When I got upstairs I found her, she was drunk.
"Where did you get the alcohol?" I sounded bleak I was angry and out of breath, "Where?" I demanded, I could feel the pain in my legs returning.
She was at the top of the staircase, her hair was flowing like it did. She was wet, she'd had just showered before I showed up. "Baby" I said it with my eyes. She calmed down with me. "I love you!" she was afraid.
"I didn't think you were coming back!" the sound of her voice created function for me.
"I missed you" I gurgled. I was hurting.
I thought you were dead" her voice was chilled.
"You're high!" I noticed too, I wasn't sure on what. "On something new" I was right, she smiled. She had decided to hurt me worse and go on into the abyss that swallowed me whole and spit out a figure, a wasted sap, a weakling. "What do you want from me?" My questions aggravated her, she was sick. "What do you want?" I wanted to know why.
"shut up!" she screamed, everyone from down stairs was listening, it was great, it was thrilling, but I felt off, I was hurt I wanted to be at home, I wanted to relax and sober up. "We want you to stand up for us, so this doesn't happen again." I thought that was funny.
"You've been snorting Oxies!" It made me laugh, to think about her falling asleep. I looked at her arm, and laughed. Everyone from downstairs was listening. She looked so right there, here hair, her sitting there on the step sloping into herself. Holding a forty."You shouldn't fuck with that shit" then I looked at her and whispered.
"Johny, I always knew that you had nothing to do with that fire." Jeff would say. I saw him saying it. He was always the first to apologize. He always was the last to jump fence.
"Don't worry bout it Jeff! It's all the brains we get, they got nothing on our heart." he could see by the scars left behind by the fire that I wasn't kidding. "You 're looking good man!" His voice represented everyone's voice, including hers. She was in the room, kinda. Listening, looking back, so angry.
"I was only sixteen!" I could hear her speak.
"You could of been sixty for all I give a shit!" I could see her now. She was hurt. They all knew what we did. "No need to apologize" my voice broke as I stepped toward the front of the door that lead to the office, the doors that broke down our wall half a world away. "We're almost there" I told them. There were all there listening. I said to her, "I love you baby!" she was so broken. She ran upstairs. I wanted to follow but she was on the other side of herself.
"The Doctors said you should keep still Johny." Jeff was right, but I didn't care.
"I wanna go upstairs!" It was funny, I wasn't fit to walk and I was chasing a bitch that burnt me, to the upstairs of my place to tell her.... That I love her. "So she was only sixteen, but that was six years ago." Everyone heard me. Not one of them understood me. It was joke. Life wasn't really.
I remember running upstairs, but it was very slowly, not because I wasn't able to move but because I was all fucked up on some pharmaceutical shit. It was great, I remember running past the mirror and seeing my face, I was so high, I was burnt so bad. I didn't... I wasn't here to apologize I wanted her to look at me, to acknowledge me. When I got upstairs I found her, she was drunk.
"Where did you get the alcohol?" I sounded bleak I was angry and out of breath, "Where?" I demanded, I could feel the pain in my legs returning.
She was at the top of the staircase, her hair was flowing like it did. She was wet, she'd had just showered before I showed up. "Baby" I said it with my eyes. She calmed down with me. "I love you!" she was afraid.
"I didn't think you were coming back!" the sound of her voice created function for me.
"I missed you" I gurgled. I was hurting.
I thought you were dead" her voice was chilled.
"You're high!" I noticed too, I wasn't sure on what. "On something new" I was right, she smiled. She had decided to hurt me worse and go on into the abyss that swallowed me whole and spit out a figure, a wasted sap, a weakling. "What do you want from me?" My questions aggravated her, she was sick. "What do you want?" I wanted to know why.
"shut up!" she screamed, everyone from down stairs was listening, it was great, it was thrilling, but I felt off, I was hurt I wanted to be at home, I wanted to relax and sober up. "We want you to stand up for us, so this doesn't happen again." I thought that was funny.
"You've been snorting Oxies!" It made me laugh, to think about her falling asleep. I looked at her arm, and laughed. Everyone from downstairs was listening. She looked so right there, here hair, her sitting there on the step sloping into herself. Holding a forty."You shouldn't fuck with that shit" then I looked at her and whispered.
Sunday, March 4, 2012
Mixing Drinks!
"You fucking pig!" she yelled from across the room.
It made me laugh. I was standing at the bar. Everyone was listening to us bicker. She was trying to make me feel bad that I wasn't going to be anything like her. "Screwdriver!" I said to the bar keep. A sixteen year old disk jockey. He was short.
"So is it going to be the three of us again sir?" he asked. "Last night was so intense, she wasn't going to take no for an answer." He was right, I wasn't changing my mind either. The three of us had been on this boat for a long time. We were ready for a change and we could see it coming. Landing was becoming a reality. We'd sensed that the tide was receding for years now. "There is so much for the two of you to deal with." he looked at me, he was to little for me to really believe that he actually understood,or whether he'd been trained to behave super accurately.
"We've been in on this together for year, and no one cares!" we looked at eachother. He was a sixteen year old bartender. "You get to go home!" I said to his smiling face.
"I know" his voice cracked as if to say he was still getting younger.
"Is he still here sweetie!" she yelled from the table at the restaurant.
"Yes mother he's still her" He knew there was no separating them. "You know mom! We wouldn't be here without him."
"Screwdriver boy!" she spat, "So you think you're here on his merit?" the anger sounder belligerent, but it wasn't she wasn't drunk yet.
"Have a drink mom!" my voice softened, I needed her to get drunk. She was always better at what she did when she was a little far off.
"Aren't we all son?" laughing she mentioned.
"What?"
"We're all so lucky to have that little bar keep serving us those screwdrivers, but I got something to say bout that shit!" she said, superfluously. I laughed at her, I hated her blouse. Everyone in the bar was staring. I wished dad was here."That fucking orange juice" she stuttered, "It's that fucking canned shit" she said, so angry.
"It's been sitting there, it's from that concentrate. We started that trip with a block of it, and we still have so much of it. We're going to be drinking it for a long time form now."
I remembered, I laughed. "Just like dad said!" I was soulful.
It made me laugh. I was standing at the bar. Everyone was listening to us bicker. She was trying to make me feel bad that I wasn't going to be anything like her. "Screwdriver!" I said to the bar keep. A sixteen year old disk jockey. He was short.
"So is it going to be the three of us again sir?" he asked. "Last night was so intense, she wasn't going to take no for an answer." He was right, I wasn't changing my mind either. The three of us had been on this boat for a long time. We were ready for a change and we could see it coming. Landing was becoming a reality. We'd sensed that the tide was receding for years now. "There is so much for the two of you to deal with." he looked at me, he was to little for me to really believe that he actually understood,or whether he'd been trained to behave super accurately.
"We've been in on this together for year, and no one cares!" we looked at eachother. He was a sixteen year old bartender. "You get to go home!" I said to his smiling face.
"I know" his voice cracked as if to say he was still getting younger.
"Is he still here sweetie!" she yelled from the table at the restaurant.
"Yes mother he's still her" He knew there was no separating them. "You know mom! We wouldn't be here without him."
"Screwdriver boy!" she spat, "So you think you're here on his merit?" the anger sounder belligerent, but it wasn't she wasn't drunk yet.
"Have a drink mom!" my voice softened, I needed her to get drunk. She was always better at what she did when she was a little far off.
"Aren't we all son?" laughing she mentioned.
"What?"
"We're all so lucky to have that little bar keep serving us those screwdrivers, but I got something to say bout that shit!" she said, superfluously. I laughed at her, I hated her blouse. Everyone in the bar was staring. I wished dad was here."That fucking orange juice" she stuttered, "It's that fucking canned shit" she said, so angry.
"It's been sitting there, it's from that concentrate. We started that trip with a block of it, and we still have so much of it. We're going to be drinking it for a long time form now."
I remembered, I laughed. "Just like dad said!" I was soulful.
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