Thursday, April 7, 2011

im in colege in my late teens

I was sitting  there reading, ignoring, alienating everyone. I'm beyond them and they mean nothing to me, I've been alone for so long now. When I look back I try to remember my family, my friends.  I remember them pushing me into the institute. The thought repelled me but for them I pursued.  As I recall I was out reaching, but looking back I pushed them back as far as I could. I knew better! The medium is changing and there is nowhere to reflect. No one to blog with even. The professors agreed "it's a new medium sure." Newness! New Nesssssssss! I miss myself, not really. I didn't need to vocalize that, well I do but not in public.

He's always such a new sense in the room, exotic, I like em. He knows it. I yelled at him today, they were all being loud. It wasn't a joke he was teasing. Voicing his conceptions, the conclusions, psychotic rants, sex, me. Asshole, fuck, I'd have him. "SHut up!" I shouted at them, I looked at him. He laughed.

We laughed. She was upset. It scared me how much, mmm, no more like how far she was willing to go. I could tell that she liked me. He could see himself being with her too. All that passion, she was a girl "you're vicious" I told her. She knew it. He could see her looking at him, her reflection staring back at him in the mirror. He knows, "I was born to use her."

I love you, baby was all she could think, looking at him, through that reflection, she knew he was watching her too, alienating herself from him was infinitely satisfying a never ending undertaking. But because of him she hated everyone. She was alone.

I ignored them.... fuck they were all assholes. She was such an idiotic bitch, I loved her. She knew it, but she kept letting him get in the way. What a joke..Right? I'd still have her. I think about my family. I think about why they sent me here. Why? She was so perfect, angry, but at him not me. Whatever, I've been sitting here watching them. I can ignore them.


aLeX said...

sitting at the table with shallow analytic eyes peering into our faces at the table was exactly what reminded me of why I have to be different then the rest. I dont know the summation of my lifes work and if it will separate me from the rest but what I do know is that my actions will deliver me a result different than what the analysts predict should be. and that is fucking awesome.

aLeX said...

i couldnt hold back the smile at the comment that im leaving to play a larger field and make those girls mine. and own them. print my name on the forehead. your right i want that, and I have the resources to do it. life isn't fair and ive been on the wrong side, if i can bet it all on black with each girl and hit then im gonna enjoy myself. i want it all now and when you stated it it took alot of pepole off guard at the table, but you know what? you were right and you were saying what they refused to think. keep being honest because it makes me smile.