Sunday, April 24, 2011

I fucking hated you for being

Her hands were wet, she was drunk, her face was in the toilet. There was her sickness, spewed, everywhere, "I'm not a little girl anymore" she whispered to herself through the elastic spongy cord of saliva still remaining attached dangling down from her lower lip. Her clothing was soiled with rubbish, probably from falling on the pavement after leaving the club, that stink like what must be the stench of some one rotting. She shrank to the porcelain bowl, confidently, where she sat contently. "I don't need to feel that bad," she said to herself drunk. Her eyes were closed, and her hair soused in effect in the same substances as  her unkempt soul. She was finished and it was her own fault. She was alone, it was twelve thirty in the morning. The house was full of kids, who knew her, who were in part the cornerstone. The dull reminder of her own demise.
The night was young, and the nausea was subsiding, "I can handle this" she said to herself.  Her shoes, three inch open-toed heels, lay sprawled behind her. "I'm almost nineteen" the words fell out of her mouth. Her head was thrown to every direction as she held her position as steady as she possibly  could in her condition. She was begging to get a grip. In that moment she remembered what drove her there in the first place.
-----
The three boys found themselves closer then ever, their relationship had grown into the full blown friendship that they all read about in the books. The type of connections they faced where the type Wolf  wrote about with Mrs. Holloway and Peter and Septimus too. All three of them found themselves together as a pact. "Joseph" the loudest of the three yelled to the tallest remaining, "Yes Adam" replied Joseph, his voice rasp from having been smoking cigarettes all night and drinking. "Yes, Adam what?" he asked annoyed by his so called colleague for even making him wait a moment more then a second. Adam, accustomed to Joseph's shrill sense, shrugged the attitude off to continue slowly. "What are we going to do about Lindsey" Joseph's thoughts began breaking through into his speech. Adam wasn't even thinking about her, she was in the back of his mind. The car was in the front, her car was a dream. "Adam!" Joseph yelled, turning to speak to Adam and their third companion, a thin, narrow boy with a frown that would turn a nun Jewish. "What do you want from me!" Adam snapped back. They were both pissed off at each other. They all loved her, and they all knew it.

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"Before I loved you" she spat, angry. Her agony forcing itself out the only way it could by screaming out his name. Her ecstasy shattered into infinity, forever lost, into a madding sleepless abyss. She felt enough at ease that what was left of her stomach, her gut was empty, purged. She convinced herself  that she was able to sit up, she knew she could not stand. Her body was crying, not surprised, her attention was on him, sick, relentless, agony. Rendering her way to the surface of the seat she sat, acting on the impulse to ruin herself, she found herself on the toilet still having won, having prevailed. She sat sunk, riddled with ease and grease, sad, and drowning, but unable to die. "Witless!" she said to herself.  Her hands were still wet from her ambitions, wrecked. The thought of him burdened her at all time. It wasn't the fact that she loved him, it was what she had done before she had known him.

---
 Joseph turned to the two and pointed his finger at Adam and said "is she your girlfriend!" he waited for Adam to say something, "You fucked her." he yelled, the sound of his voice cold echoing forward and back again between the houses the boys were walking by. "He fucked her didn't he Jerry?" Joseph voiced, leaving Jerry to answer timidly "Yes!" They were in a rut, and there was no digging their way out of it, they were being brought down upon each other, they were a team.
Joseph stood, halting in front of the two as they progressed toward the light that was Lindsy's house. "Jerry," he repeated "Jerry, tell me again" he demanded "tell us both what you saw Adam do with my girlfriend" Joseph frivolously expressed.  Jerry stood back, hesitant and weak and began to speak at the same time as he lowered his head. He muttered five words that sent shivers up Adams spine "I saw him fucking her," Jerry was in tears by the time he finished the sentence.

---
She sat there, she had had a while to think about the two of them. But he made her heart yearn for relief. She needed to find a way to stagnate the pain. To cauterize what her heart felt and would not stop bleeding for. It was wrong, it had been wrong the whole time. She loved someone else. Sitting on the toilet there in the middle of the night all she could repeat to herself drenched in spoils was, "Before I loved you

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