Sunday, November 27, 2011


"SO the soul lives there eh? " he asked in a snarly way. We were together again. I missed him too much to let him go. "You know I found someone else, don't you?" I just shook my head and laughed. I knew he had met so many women. It was his job, to go out and meet people. He was so good with the women. He wasn't even that handsome. His last girlfriend never cared, but then again she was cheating on him. He was such a faithful lover. I remember because I wanted him so bad when I first laid my eyes on him, except he was with her.
"Yeah baby that's where the soul lives." I knew he understood where I was going with this, but he was slow, so I had to explain. "OK you ready?" He hated when I talked down to him but he tolerated it whenever I was defining things for him. "OK" he sat down and watched me. He had these perfect young eyes. "So" I said, he was looking at my butt. I could tell, he smiled when I jiggled it. That's the kind of thing I really liked about him, he liked my ass, genuinely liked it, and it's not that great. "OK, so you sold her your soul right?" My questions always seemed to puzzled him.
"Well" he answered. "She fucked me first, then she bought me lots of stuff, it was stuff I needed so I'm not sure if I sold her my soul." His face winced after he said those last word. "So did you sell her your soul?" I asked him expecting him to be honest, that was another one of his better traits, he was honest. "Yes I guess" his face always seemed to darken when he thought back to the two of them together. "So did you ever fuck her to get something?" I knew he had, I remember he told me "I can't see her anymore see's making me feel like shit. She keeps calling me stupid, and worthless." I couldn't believe my ears when I first heard about that. All I could think was, Ditch, I even said to him "take off! she's old saggy and rotten." I could tell back then that she owned him.
When I first saw them together I understood what he was talking about when he said things like "She is out of my league" He was right, she was way to old for him. But he figured "she's settled, she can help me with him!" He was right too, she was so good with his son. He was a young dad, babies mama! Forget it, she wants to stay a single mother, except there is no way that baby was going to be anything other then a crutch for a single woman like her. Looking back at him, when I first met him I understood what he saw in her, "Stability" he said solemnly.
"So, you sold her your soul?" I said looking at him, I could tell he didn't want to but he acknowledged me. "Yeah she's got it!" his voice was meek, he wanted to reach out, scream "No" but that wasn't going to happen. "I sold her my soul" he stopped, looked over at the sun, "what am I suppose to do!" I looked at him happy, he finally admitted to being a creature of darkness. "it's OK, listen, so, she bought your soul, but while you were fucking her, you stole her heart right?" I knew that old bat, even though she was destroying his spirit, loved him. "She gave me everything" he said smiling. I could tell she had corrupted him the first time we made love. He knew what he liked and the way he wanted me,  I listened then like I do now. "She was submissive?" I inquired,  knowing the answer, asking to move him out of our comfort zone. "You were the boss in bed, weren't you?" he didn't want to answer me. "Weren't you?" I asked again. He finally looked up and said "yes". It made me laugh, all his shyness, he was beautiful, his love for a woman who lied, cheated and stole from him, a woman that corrupted him, for a woman who would not accept what he was inside. "So, listen, you sold her your soul but you stole her heart right?" I watched as his face grew redder and redder. He didn't understand where I was going with this. "Where does the soul live?" I asked at the height of what looked like his anxiety. He laughed and said.... "i don't know!" So I told him, with a little hesitation "the heart... That's were you can find the home for the soul, you stole it back... so don't worry, you still have it." I looked at him, "I know you do, I love you baby!" His face got so red and he kept blushing when he told me "I'll give you my heart as long as you never think life is about surviving! Life" he yelled "is about

Tuesday, November 22, 2011

How did they make change 101

How did they make change 101
Willkie Collins and Charles Dickens both disagreed with the way Britain proceeded with colonizing the rest of the world; the two authors portray their opinions, relating to foreign affairs, from opposite sides of the conflict. Collins presents us with Seringapatam on the brink of the turning of the century; he identifies the instigator of the original theft of the moonstone as an able, white, British soldier. Dickens brings us into the untidy world of Caddy, exposing us to her trials with Mrs. Jellyby, the irresponsible mother lost in Brrioboola Gha, Africa. We are given Ezra Jennings by Collins as the ignoble bearer of truth, whose life is fulfilled by his respectably being acknowledged by the nobility he so desperately yearns to be a part of.  Acknowledging that there was conflict throughout the way the British Empire was spreading its ideals into eastern culture spotlighted the problems within colonialism and made them relevant for everyone to reflect upon.
            Collins begins his novel in seventeen ninety-nine with a letter written by an unknown and un identified author calling out to his loved ones during a treacherous time of war between the British army and the indigenous people of Seringapatam. The writer of the letter demands that his family take a second look at his cousin John Herncastle. A man, the narrator writes, who presumably murdered three monks to steal a rock.  The rock or Monnstone is supposedly cursed and beyond that the concerned family member ads “It is my conviction, or my delusion, no matter which, that crime brings its own fatality with it. I am not only persuaded of Herncastle’s guilt; I am even fanciful enough to believe that he will live to regret it, if he keeps the Diamond; and that others will live to regret taking it from him, if he gives the Diamond away.” (16) The letter is a warning; a document produced just in case the Moonstone finds itself settling into a jewelry box of a close relative.  Collins is warning us that the letter represents a reflection of the attitudes of western culture and they are unacceptable. He lets us see the Diamond as not just a relic or lost stone but an Indian treasure that maintains the ideals of the noble  and honest past.
            John Jarndyce introduces Esther into the “amanuensis” (39) world of Miss. Jellyby, the seriously depressed daughter of a woman so wrapped up in Africa she forgets she’s living in London. Mrs. Jellyby the mother of who knows how many children is a philanthropist with a vision. The house she lives in is a testament to her character. She sees herself fulfilling her duty to society by attempting to maintain and perpetuate the British class system by moving it along to Africa.  Mrs. Jellyby is so obsessed with upholding the appearance of her virtues that she overlooks her obligations to her family. Mrs. Jellyby even admits to devoting all of her energy to the project. She say’s,
The African project at present employs my whole time. It involves me in correspondence with public bodies, and with private individuals anxious for the welfare of their species all over the county… It involves the devotion of all my energies, such as they are, but that is nothing, so that it succeeds, and I am more confident of success every day.(38)
One thing she forgets to mentions through her talk with Miss. Summerson is that she also employs young Miss. Caddy Jellyby to labor over the bureaucracies of the her business. Miss. Jellyby is forced into working to help her mother succeed in her endeavor. Caddy is unhappy with her life helping her mother. She is aware of the degradation her mother’s endeavors are causing their family. Caddy say’s things like “I wish Africa was dead!...I hate it and detest it. It’s a beast!”(44).  She is sick and her mother is the cause. Mrs. Jellyby is toxic and Jaryndyce wants Esther to understand that. Dickens needs his readers to understand the irony presented in Mrs. Jellyby and the state of her affairs at home in comparison to her vision of Africa.
            In between Franklin Blake’s two contributions to The Moonstone we find the truth to what happened in the house the night of Rachel’s eighteenth birthday; a mystery “Extracted from the Journals of Ezra Jennings”, a lonely, half-breed, British-Indian, drug addict, who uses science to reveal the secret. Ezra Jennings presents Mr. Blake with a solution to his dilemma in assuming,
That the influence of the opium - after impelling [Franklin] to possess [himself] of the Diamond, with the purpose of securing its safety – might also impel [him], acting under the same influence and the same motive, to hide it somewhere in [his] own room.(394)
 The possible solution requires that several characters entrust a crazy looking, dark skinned, piebald, doctor and allow him to drug a gentlemen with a powerful and addictive sedative. Betteredge say’s “You have done a wonderful number of foolish things in the course of your life, Mr. Franklin; but this tops them all!”(398) The butler belongs to the old school. He can’t seem to move outside the realm of Robinson Crusoe, maintaining a certain kind of deportment that just doesn’t accept poor, old, dying, ethnic Jennings. No one outside of the two lovers encourages Ezra in his experiment. When Miss Verinder expresses how much he means to her Ezra finds great pleasure and remarks,
She looked at my ugly wrinkled face, with a bright gratitude so near to me in my experience of my fellow-creatures, that I was at a loss how to answer her. Nothing had prepared me for her kindness and her beauty. The misery of many years has not hardened my heart, thank God.(415)
She makes him feel like a teenager again. Jennings participation in the world of Franklin Blake and Rachel Verinder justifies his existence. Ezra finds solace in the fact that his experiment brings the couple together.  Motivated by Rachel’s letter, he writes,
Is it possible (I ask myself, in reading this delightful letter) that I, of all men in the world, am chosen to be the means of bringing these two young people together again? My own happiness has been trampled under foot; my own love has been torn from me. Shall I live to see a happiness of others, which is of my making – a love renewed, which is of my bringing back?(399)
Jennings brings forward a solution to the troubles of colonial nineteenth century England; he incorporates science, and introduces the exotic aspect in a way that the gentry can accept. Collins kills Ezra to leave the audience with his impression of the consequences of receiving the ideal solution to finding out what really happened to the Moonstone.     
            Conquering the world comes at a cost; Dickens and Collins understood the price of conquest and they felt it reflected upon their society negatively. Was the Moonstone worth murdering three monks and devastating a family for? Herncastle’s reasons for attaining it were wrong. So no, it wasn’t worth it. Mrs. Jellyby was an obnoxious old hypocrite that participated in the degradation of her own family. Yet Dickens attributes Caddy with a scenes entitlement that allows her to escape the grips of her mother. Collins allows Ezra to die, but he does it after the reuniting of the lovers.  Both authors believe there are solutions to the problems created by their nations growth. We can see that they felt incorporating progressive beliefs, like science, drugs, secret engagements and multicultural acceptance, into their narratives they could help instigate a change to move forward away from the corruption.    

Works Cited
                        Collins, Wilkie “The Moonstone“. London:Penguin, 1998, Print.
                        Dickens, Charles “Bleak House”. NewYork: Modern Library, 2002, Print.

Saturday, November 19, 2011

Iron common!

"I know. You're the shit! this world is full of assholes but man you are the shit" he laughed out loud, "I've got a women next to me that can really change the way I feel though." She looked up at him and made him blush in front of his parents. It was a meekly feeling. 

Thursday, November 17, 2011

hurt right under his heart

I live in a country that is so right we don't even know what it looks like to be wrong. "Did you find that lost one?" the questions are so out of line. " I wish I knew where I was going to go when I finish this test." My voice always broke when I talked, it was like I was alone, but I was in a car, I had the radio on! "I tried and it didn't work!" it happens to sound bad when it looks the way it did when it happened. "I didn't want to say anything. "I just wanted everyone to hear me." but no one listens. She does. "Yeah!" a moment went on before he repeated. "Yeah." This conversation is being held by you, with yourself. "Hey, I'm his super ego." The same pause, eyes rolling, "You're my id!" He was thinking bout her, "she is too young for you." He was right she was, "so? It's not like I'm better, I've been breaking my own heart over and over again. I'm an idiot." He thought about it. "And not even with the ones I choose to love but with the way I run my life, I don't want to be anywhere on time. "I think! And that's  my problem." Time is of my essences and it's my time, not theirs." The thought of one of his professors came into his head, "she's too old!" he didn't even bother to mention that she's married to herself. There is so much work to do. He was burdened, and the stress caused pain. "Yeah one other thing!" It's cause you to need help. You use help but you don't want that. You think you can do it alone, "but I'm actually standing on ......" he didn't want to say it out loud.
"I can only write when I'm kinda hungry!"  his stomach growled, he though about God. "What do you want to ask?" The sound of his imagination hurt right under his heart. "Nothing really!" he said after thinking about what he wanted to know. "I can see the future!"


he lost his wallet!

"Give it back!" it came out as a yell, but he didn't mean it that way.
"Why you yelling at me?" her voice was weak, they were together for over a month, she always felt like he was kinda aggressive, but lately it was getting worse.
"I didn't mean it that way, I wanted you to hear me, I wanted it to just have meant something. I wanted you to understand that all I want is to share my dream. I want everyone to see things the way I ...." Her eyes were already watering, it wasn't what she wanted. He could see she was angry. "But why?" he asked vainly again raising his voice scaring her. "Don't!" he waited to see her flinch, he raised his hand. "Be so nervous." The two of them were together in the train.
She liked to look at his face as they moved forward through the tunnels. The ride was going well, they were lucky to be in an empty car, no one could here their conversation.  She wanted him to be quite. But she knew that he was never going to be. "You're such a boy"
"What?" he thought he could see her face change, he knew she was happy with him, he knew she realized he wasn't going to leave her. They were going to ride this out.

Wednesday, November 16, 2011

pack pain

"I'm pretty sure!" they were looking at one another. Her eye's were wide. She did not do drugs he thought. "You're right!" looking up at him, she was smiling.
"So you agree?" he was still standing looming over her. They were in the glass room. Everyone could see them, he felt vulnerable.
She could tell he was unsteady, "I do!" her voice was soft,  "You do too!"
"Yeah!" they both had their heads down, everyone could hear them.
"You were listening today in class, weren't you?" she remember the lecture and the professor standing behind the podium.
"Everyone was listening today" he was looking strait into her eyes. "It was an interesting class." She looked away, "I almost was stupid enough to skip."
"You skip class?" the thought of it repelled her. "You know what she'll do don't you?" They both thought of her.
He remembered the way she answered. He smiled, "she's not that bad" he wasn't going to convince her, but he kept on talking. "She gets us all excited, even though she's so old!" He thought of his wife. "Not very many of us can honestly say that we have any passion."
"I can"
He thought of his mom, "I heard you today!" he backed off of her and pacing the room said "That was one of the first times I had ever heard you participate in the discussion!"
"You're right"
"So you think I speak fast?"

Friday, November 11, 2011

asshole! fucker

I found myself in another world. It was a sweeter place then this. I could see us in a utopia, then I realized there were lots more people here, and every one felt the same way as me but for the wrong reason.  They weakened everything. It was horrible being a part of all this world and not having anyone to see it with. Sure there were my lovers, and yes I brought them with me, but they all had their own agendas too. They wanted to survive, they all thought they wanted to succeed too.  No one really was able to show me what to do, no one had even lived through have the shit I did. Like, o.k there is the soldiers, but they weren't kids; I've never killed anyone, but I'm positive parts of me have, my insides, have been hacked off. I think I might have been the one that cut them off.

I live in another world often, it's crude to realize that everyone I live with on the planet is nothing like me. They don't even know they are in heaven. Assholes, I got stuck in traffic and I was cut off by this hundred year old woman. What upset me so much was actually that the cow almost plowed into me with her seventy thousand dollar town car, and risking my life, I swerved out of her way with my eight hundred dollar Malibu. Life is so good though, cause as I was swerving out of her way, I was listening to my cheap stereo. I adore listening to music in my gas guzzling  American car. I love that I like the same shit ass every one of the people I drive to work with..... I also fucking love getting stuck in traffic with all the rats.
I got these friends, well there is this girls, and she's dangerous, she's hot. We've never talked, I love her, and I'm sure she thinks I'm an asshole. Fuck her, her boyfriend is my best friends neighbor. They live right next to each other, and my buddy, watches them fuck, Asshole. I love em though. I have this girl friend who hates me, but we fuck like animals, then she tells me I'm worthless, even though she's old and fat. I love her cause she's rich though.
I live in the perfect time you know, the world has everything it needs to really put humanity on the map, I think we're gonna use all our technological progress to shove some dynamite up our kids ass's and watch our future bloom, like a firework. My parents, well and most forty year olds fall into the now deficient category. They helped maintain the world so well, they taught their kids to suck anything for enough money. The industrial revolution was a gift that lets us build the internet, the internet was designed to fly the earth up into Gods......

Sunday, November 6, 2011

shit is dark starter in the back cucumber!

It was three oclock, Daylight savings time was kicking in. The leaves had taken their time this year, to fall, the season died gently. It was a radiant autumn, but winter was coming, and we were a few days now into november. It was getting colder and the days were looking like they do right before the day you wake up to see the landscape in front of your house covered in snow. It's always such a shock that first morning. I remember the morning, waking up as a child, in the brisk carpeted space, and running to my mother bed room. My dad was almost always asleep, it made me laugh. I could see the snow the instant I entered their room, it was filled with windows, falling, swirling and smiling at me. It was only so magical the first day. The coldness and the necessity to bundle up bothered me.
Inspector gadget was on along side the careBears... I remember making myself instant porridge, I never liked eating before dawn. This is so fragmented. There is a beginning, it was in the apartment on a hundredth and fifth street and one-o-seven ave. It was different in the past, driving by it now you'd find yourself in a broken community, I guess it was back then too, except back then it wasn't as busted. There was a water park outside, there were slides, I remember my brother telling me "the kids shit on the slide." I was too scared to go look and see, I was only three, so I just hung on to my older counterpart.
I was remembering the times when I was off to Europe to free myself of the western tyranny. This was  in the mid nineties, I was an early teen. I had just smoked pot, and started thinking about sex. It was october 12 or something when we left Canada. Fuck, who the fuck does that. Immigrants, ballsy. I remember owning a portable CD player, I was the only one in, what felt like to me, half the country who could play CD's.  It was a shady day there when we landed,  Polish gray, it was still green though, different then Canada. I was listening to NIN, Trent was opening my mind up past Cobain's guitar hero suicide antics. Guitars were going to be substitutes and things were going to change. The kids there liked me.

Tuesday, November 1, 2011

We watched thriller!!!!!!!!!!!!!BOOOO

Actually it's role reversal
-That's what they all said. They were in charge, I had been in the medallion for over seventeen months. Why was I arguing with someone who didn't understand.
Facebook is a new tool in the market place.
-Things like facebook had been paving the internet super high way for a few years now making headway.... but only directing us right back into the abyss. Greed's been prevalent! It's gonna take a couple decades of collapse before... the civilization that's left will have to realize that working for the common good is the best way to work for yourself.
-I really want to make money this year, Dad. I really think that Mrs. Julieper has the right idea. She thinks we should start an advertising agency to help people get more clients.
I wasn't shocked, I wanted to be angry, but only because I see it in almost everyone. Not everyone realizes how privileged they are, my son included. His mother has her fare share of influence. That's fare too.
-Dad? Why is you're new girl friend so fat?
He was honest, he gets it from his grandmother, she's been helping me raise him. I don't question the fact that he is willing to be so open. I Laugh.
-Don't laugh! It's bad. The kids at school talk about it. I don't know what I should do.
His mother would have a field day with this, I don't care. It's like not having a T.V never hurt him, it gave him time to read.
-o.k she's not that fat. Dad mom has a new guy, another new guy.
So. We have to maintain ourselves, forget to tell him, I've made mistakes too. We all have. Some of us just don't want to man up to them.
-I also really like my new teacher and I have a pretty new neighbor, she's brown.
You know, if I actually understood how old this kid was ten years ago, we'd have sailed the see! Fucking thug. He's a sun to in immigrant farmer.
-The sound of our voices makes me sick dad
it was fall and the night s were so hot that the sky smoldered, I was agitated. She is fat, and the sky is so currupted with malice, machines don't care much for change, They just need oil, I work in factory of doors to heaven. The owner
-owner !!! was a drunk !!!!