Friday, July 20, 2012

No I just google shit! cause I ain't abandoning ship

There is so much fear in the air, it stinks. I can smell it all over the place. The stinkiest part about it is that most of the people who reek of it don't even know about it. I love my dad, but he lives in shit. I can't understand why. But when I was a kid he never taught me that it's alright to float your own boat. My mom did, she fucking floated her own boat for sure. My dad would say "She tore the family apart" But all I can remember is sailing away.
Looking back I can remember the family busting up, we were all victims of such shitty circumstance. I think we would all like to think that money was to blame, but it wasn't money that tore my family apart, it was apathy on the part of both of my parents. My mother was a vigilant dreamer and my dad could fix anything, they were both passionate people. They were also so fucking different, my mom played the part of the fearless leader while my dad was always keeping things in perspective. My dad wasn't willing to zoom out, focus on anything else other then maintenance. My mom never felt there was anything to maintain, she didn't want to be held down.
My brother was older then me and he could see what happened between my parents form a much more mature stance, he was a teenager. All of it made him anger, and since he never really liked me he made sure to vent his frustrations towards my parents out on me. His behaviors influenced me. He played a huge part in the way I live my life now. I'm not sure if he understands what his understanding of life has done to the way I live mine. He's like my dad in that he can analyze everything and deconstruct it to find all the flaws. He's been like that since I can remember. I could never keep up with him, but I wanted to. He used that against my parents and specifically, after the split, my mom. He understood the delicate circumstance many of the decisions which involved our family; he couldn't come to grips with the fact that life can just suck even when it's suppose to be perfect. I on the other hand loved both my parents way too much, through thick and thin. Mom was always there to nurture me, in a way that uplifted me. She was mean and did her own thing, but they we're not things that directly made me feel like my boat was sinking. Our boat was sinking, I just never knew.

No comments: