Friday, October 23, 2009

I kept the book for some reason

These day's I make my own hope. I cling to my idea of freedom and happiness. I hope that the path I've chosen is the correct one because I have devoted myself to it. I focus my life on my own hope. The hope that I know in my heart is mine and mine alone. Others try to give me hope but that's just not the way for me to actually achieve whatever I'm hoping for. God gives me hope, but God is a part of me. Gods will for me is mine and that gives me hope that I'm on the right path. In 2005 after the drugs lead me to the psych ward I was given a little book of hope. The women that gave it to me was a person who had a few years on me. She was a sever case of borderline personality. She was often found wondering the streets looking to get high. Looking back I'm sure she was a prostitute. She was in the psych ward. I remember telling her my drug of choice (Dexedrine) a potent pharmaceutical stimulant. She knew the drug. She talked about how she used to use it with her boyfriend. She told me that he has a big prescription too. Well anyway one afternoon while I was doing my craft assignment she came up to me and handed me a book "A little book of hope". I talked a lot about about God and Jesus when I was high. She must have sensed that, because the book is about become a Christian. I read that tiny little book and the last thing it did was give me hope. I wasn't allowed out side, Hope was the last thing that I possessed. I was truly dead at that point in my life. The doctors threw me out of the hospital when their treatment was found to be futile for me. I just was not willing to trade one powerful prescription drug (that I loved) for another one. The new drugs they insisted I take where mood stabilizers. Tegratol, Lithium, that kind of stuff. The type of drug that makes you settle for hope you don't even really like. The type of drug that makes you sit down and eat. The type of drug, that to me, killed my hopes and dreams. They kicked me out and diagnosed me as anti social. Funny, I got thrown in the dungeon for being in a severe drug induced psychosis and within a week everything was different.
How do I get my hope, where can I find it. I find hope in every step I take in my direction. When I see my Sun is living, and growing happily I know my hope is taking me in the right direction. The other day I was putting my Sun to bed with me and he found this little book it was called "A little book of Hope.' We read it together as his bed time story.

111 comments:

kjl said...

Nothing like seeing the random scattered pieces coming together.

Sometimes it takes us a while to be ready for hope.

Hope Walls said...

Hope is always in my life... ~snicker snicker~

Oddly, I think my mother named me appropriately, though. Hope is a good thing to have. It lets our hearts open those doors that our minds have closed.

Bum Atom said...

Hope Walls
i have a new photo site
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Real cab driver said...

Before I was a night driver I got seasonal depression. It's pretty common, lack of day. And summer had it's problems too, lack of darkness at night, I like being able to look up at the stars. Now, fall and winter mean money, so I look forward to it.

Free advice, worth what you pay for it: Keep your relationship with the almighty a personal thing. There are an endless number of people out there waiting to take advantage of someone in the name of what ever they call the almighty.

I was doing some yard work the other day and this slick new SUV pulled down the drive, up to the house. A guy in a brand new $1000 suit got out, carrying a little leather bag and a bible, his wife with him. He had his pitch all worked out. He allows people to get a word in edgewise but he doesn't hear it, it's just a pause in his presentation. His wife is there to look on in awe, she never said a word.

He wanted to talk about the economy and the almighty in the same context. Obviously his pitch is that he prayed for a Caddy and got one, follow him and he'll lead you to a caddy and the almighty too. Of course he expects a very RICH donation. Bad people. I told him to move it on down the road.

Don't get taken advantage of. Religion has been there for thousands of years to comfort you. Pitchmen expecting a donation have been there for thousands of years too, if all they did was take money I could almost tolerate them. Only many of them don't only take money, they want to place themselves between your comfort and your so you need to pay them.

epro said...

hey dude.

you wont remember this but you picked me up from an irish pub on white ave one night and my supposed date had her ex boyrfriend there and you gave a sympathetic ear, aswell as your blog address.

oh im australian and by the name of liam if that helps, i believe you dropped me off at rosdale house.

just curious haha

unknown vector said...

Jesus f in Christ you have finly lost you shit hu cubamix? if there is a god, and thats a pretty big fucing if unless you cant be botherd to incorprate fact into your life, he most certenly hates us. further more if its the concept of god your talking about then you have really gon stark shit nutz....have a look around you. from what i read here i cant help but feel your eyes have become wide fucking closed. then again maybe they allways were. come back down to earth, its the only place that exsists.

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他の人が言ってる名言や格言って良い事言ってるな~とか思ってる方、名言チェッカーで今日から自分に相応しい言葉を見つけませんか!!これでどんな人にも一目置かれる存在に為れますよ

mixi said...

mixiをも凌駕する出会い率!!出会いをするならここしかない♪mixiより出会えてしまうこのサイト。一度ハマれば辞めれません。スタービーチで素敵な出会いをしちゃいましょう

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モバゲータウン said...

モバゲータウンでは恋愛から出合いまでのキッカケをつかめる無料のコミュニティサイトです。常時サポートスタッフが掲示板をチェック、サクラや業者を排除しておりますので安心してご利用いただけます

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スタビが今一番アツイのはご存じでしょうか?夏休みで出会いを探している娘とすぐに会えちゃうんです。登録無料でここまで出会える所は他には存在しません。今登録して良いパートナーに巡り合おう

スタービーチ said...

出会いのシーズン、夏到来!スタービーチでご近所さんと知り合っちゃおう!ひと夏の体験も女の子は求めている

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モバゲーでついに出会いができる!?楽しめる出会い、求めていた出会いはココから始まる。素敵な出会いでまずは関係づくりwしていきましょう

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greeで素敵な時間を過ごしたい・・・そんな願望を叶えてくれるサイト誕生!!今までにないドキドキ感と興奮をこのグリーで楽しみましょう

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スタービーチで始まる素敵な出 合いをしていきませんか。楽しめる出 合いを経験するにはココから始まる!!最高の出 合いがあなたを待っている

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新時代突入!ツイッターで始まる出逢い…ここでしかできない出逢いが新しい風を巻き起こす!!素敵な巡りあわせを体験していこう!

SMチェッカー said...

あなたの秘められたSM度がわかるSMチェッカー!簡単な質問に答えるだけで自分の隠された部分が分かります!みんなで試してみよう

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今やモバゲーは押しも押されもせぬ人気SNS!当然出 会いを求めてる人も多い!そこで男女が出 逢えるコミュニティーが誕生!ここなら友達、恋人が簡単にできちゃいますよ

モバゲー said...

もう夏休みも終わりに近づき、この夏最後の思い出を作りたいと焦ってる方が、モバゲーのコミュニティーに書かれてましたよ!!折角なんで夏の思い出作りに協力して自分も美味しい思いをしてみるのはどうですか?大手スポンサーサイトが付いてるので全部タダですよ

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最近はどこのSNSサイトも規制ばっかりで、ちょっと出 合いに関して書き込みするとアク禁食らうけど、夏休み終盤に差し掛かり色々なサイトを調べた結果、グリーだけはどうも規制が緩んでるみたいです。今がチャンスの時期ですよ

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ツイッターで出 合 いを求めるのです。気の合う異性と交流して楽しいひと時をお過ごしください。登録無料で使えるので気軽さは100点満点!

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モバゲーやmixiもいいけどやっぱり定番の遊び場はSTAR-BEACH!楽しいでぁいはもちろん理想の異性と幸せな日々が味わえる!!詳しくはこちらから

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