Sunday, November 25, 2012

her just fucked hair, no sex and essays

 Reflections in the mirror don't look right
see myself smiling everything is quiet
I forget about her absence, The'Whore
I bow down before my master, my Moor
I'm his Desdemona,  on Iago's note
I mean, I'm clarifying, I chocked
there was someone there behind me, "Who's there?"
I called n' heard her, listening scared 

her complexion is modest and so is
her face holding my lips still to a kiss

Opening my eyes lets me come to terms
 A Father without a set of sermons 

She's the daughter of secrets that'er set in stone
Leaves me kissing my mirror alone
it's not that she doesn't want my freedoom
she's on the other side of their kingdome
This looks funny here baby, "you can tell right?"
 she can't she's restless and unable to fight

Wednesday, November 21, 2012

Fuck faces!

Sit up straight, don't let anyone see you fall
you're growing up soundly, in a parking stall
you know I'll never leave you, I have a car
new Ride beside you is'a soulless scar.
Delivering me from evil to die
to a lifetime of days to defile, sigh!  
such a drunken morning, not noble
a careless adventure that snowballed
she rested and sat up and fell so hard
so hard, on her back, clumsy, pull that card! 
It's a a gamble being classy these days
no one really cares about your patient ways
you're sickly and old, decrepit with mold. 
Siblings are unworthy and lonely and old.
sit up straight and don't let anyone see you fall!

newfoundland! Fisher men!

this is how we do it, I'm bait
I'm sitting around standing up straight
there is the confidence, the poise
there is no one around me, just noise
I have this cousin who hates me'k'
ause I have broken myself on my flaws
There is so much here to strip off
when I'm sick I'm dying, I coughed.
she's aware of my insinuations,
Her indignation, my stain, her cons
I'm ready for justice, I'been wronged
Cause I'm wrong, right? not strong

the worm, on her hatchet, the hook
standing around naked, nothing but look.
Ill drive around wondering,  pulling
The bow is broken quaking, mistaken
I'll have another drink at the bar alone
I'll have another call on my phone.
Fucking bastards are soulless and cold
Her breath mistaken, eyes set in gold
I declare an autopsy to watch the bait unfold.

Monday, November 19, 2012

la go la jela go la! sinnuye hm?

I need to see you coming over before I can put the broiler on high. We're having pizza and I want to have the cheese melted just right. I have an old Pomeranian I want to serve as the main course.
"People don't think that's funny!"
I don't fucking care what people think.
"Well you should, just last night on the evening news they were talking about your work"
What do you mean.
"They were saying that the people you shoot matter!"
Oh! I know that.
"Well maybe you would be worth more if you stepped up to a higher rolling plate?"
Well how do you suggest I do that?
"First thing's first! You have to start fucking some high class bitches"
Oh that sounds like I'm the right guy for the job! Where do I find these high class bitches?
"You look for men with lots of money!"
Fuck, that's horrible.
What you just said!
"What? That rich old assholes can't keep it up.
No, that that's where a young man should start.
"There is no where else!"
What do you mean.
"The world isn't getting any bigger, what's out there is almost gone and unless people change this is it!"
Shit! You mean that if I don't fuck some rich bitch right now I won't ever fuck a rich bitch cause ther'll only be like two on the earth and they'll be married to one of the boss' of the planet? 
"You're right on the ball, plus those married bitches who haven't had anything solid in them since high school are awesome...... unless you're looking to fall in love."
Well what if I was?
"Well then you're screwed, you're gonna have to be poor and raise kids in the ditch, unless you got a rich dad. So fucking a loaded cougar is kinda the only option.k?"

Sunday, November 18, 2012

Radical Itch

I can't imagine traveling across the country in a rickety old car chasing down lightning on prescription speed. But who could? Who cares? How many people do you know have actually tried drugs? How many people deny everything they ever do? Life is filled with flawed individuals. Cocaine is a prominent drug on our municipal campus along with booze, and weed.
We're the new New York these days, everyone is starting to get the hang of it. I've met so many people. There have been so many parties. There is so much to fall into. The best part is I don't have a a date with cocaine. I'm not gonna get high or dunk. I'm going to take off.

This country is the type of place storms end up dropping you off in.  

Saturday, November 17, 2012

Verbs! Subjects

It's better that you don't have sex with anyone ever again. It's just better that way. I didn't think that it was this big of a deal till now. Why is that? It's because I have these assignments to do. There is stuff that's just more important. Then sex? Yes.
I am throwing myself into a fire. There is nothing but pain and suffering there. I want to use the hot air like a hot air balloon. I have wings that can act as a balloon like thing.
It's better to stay there then to fall in. The truth is that being human means you're in the flames. We're a unique entity. Our relationship with our goals is driven by a heart of .........
Again the night seems to end with everything I need. The world is connecting possibility all the time. Existence is not futile. The world is an amazing experience. We can see things happening for miles away.

Thursday, November 15, 2012

Mad Gash

The nights are always getting a little colder! People are always avoiding what they are suppose to be doing. Just trying to pass the time as idly as possible. We all reach out.

 "I want to talk to you" she quoted herself on his Facebook status.
"Was that about me?" he asked non nonchalantly as he was bending over to scratch his ankle. 
"Fuck Jason you need to go to Yogo!" she noticed as he made his way up from the exercise. "When was the last time you worked out?"
"I don't know." He said scratching his head. She looked at him and rubbed his belly. "I kind of liked it when we were just facebok friends." He knew the comment was going to make her recoil.
"What do you mean? What's wrong!' What the hell baby?" She panicked. 
"I feel overwhelmed, you're all over me!" the words fell out of his mouth. She' couldn't believe it!
"What are you saying? Why are you doing this, we just met. I want to do everything you want me to!" The fear was setting inside her. She knew she'd made another mistake.
"I don't know. Not sure if I can do this. I gotta play some video games with Jeff tonight, I really think it's important." The video games made him smile more then she did. She knew that.
"I hate this, you're a fucking liar Joseph!" The slip was a surprise to both of them. He knew him. She just looked at him. The smile on his face made her angry. He could see her face grow white. He became colder. She wanted him so bad. They stood there looking at each other, in the waste land of their union.

He was holding an axe to her, again she let it in.

Monday, November 12, 2012


I've been in the military for over six years now and there is much I think I could do to make the world a better place. I just have to change perspective, switch sides. I'm a twenty seven year old women that understands how to shoot a gun. I know what I want from life and I'm willing to risk everything to get it.

What is it? What is it that you have? What would it be that you're risking?

Risking? Everything. I have nothing to lose. I've spent most of my adult life attacking the enemies of my nation. I've given myself to my higher ranking officers. I have become nothing.

So you're not risking anything?


So do you think that what you're doing is worth your life?


So you think you're going to die?


Do you want to die?


Are you willing to kill yourself if you don't succeed?



Because nothing really matters anymore.

You 're right!

Blow my head off.

They get more intimate with each other by the end of the night. It's an obeservation I've made over the years. Watching people. I'm never going to be one of them, not sure if I've come to terms with that but it's a fact. I'm nothing like the people around me. I'm somewhere most of them will never reach. I realized they are more willing to accept what I'm throwing their way if they're not expecting it. They don't expect anything flying at them at the end of a night of drinking, twenty minutes before last call, and an hour and a half before she becomes just another one night stand. I'm always jealous seeing the girls night out crowd. They're the loneliest set of women. Women who go out in groups to be oogled are whorish. They want to get eye fucked and gawked at by random men, then go home to men that don't offer them anything but a dick in the ass and a truck to dive their four little demons into pool of institutionalized crap.
Alberta is going to be my home for some time and I'm going to have to deal with the fact that I'm going to be raising a small person into an adult alone. And in the wild west. There won't be anyone around me that'll be any good to have latched on full time. Least not yet. Hopefully if there ever is, it'll be someone I can have some more kids with. They'll love the little guy I already made with someone else too. 
It's getting latter in my life. I don't feel like it though, but I look older. It sucks cause I'm short, so I can pass for a young adult in lots of situations too, especially when I'm on my skateboard. But that's what's keeping me from getting to the latter part of my evening. The latter part of my life.
I sat an watched a group of these women who go out in groups. They were nurses, I could tell because of the way they talked about their job. They were all so confident, one of them was like "Jonny is such a good guy! Now that I'm twenty nine he's ready to ......

Sunday, November 11, 2012

Electric Extra

I always thought she was ugly. I remember sitting around with the other kids on the block talking about ours. Certain kids thought theirs was pretty, "Not mine" I'd say. I didn't really ever feel bad about it. As I grew older the feeling seemed to fade, coming to terms that most kids moms were ugly. Mine wasn't an exception. She came home form work angry and she made me sandwiches and suppers always looking pissed off . My dad just chumped around. Relaxing and never really engaging in anything.
Some of my friends parents fucked. I could tell by watching them. Some of my friends parents kissed. I never saw my parents appear intimate.
 I always wondered why I picked the women that I pick to fall in love with. I'm a fast runner. I'm aggressive and assertive. I'm fit. But my women rarely are. 
"Not mine!" I'd say when someone asks me if my partner is pretty. She isn't I'd have to say. She's sexy. She's a women, of whom you know she reminds me!

Saturday, November 10, 2012

a new camera and my old life back

I yelled at him, I was wanting him to buy me a camera. He is suppose to buy me a camera. He didn't though.
"You'll never get yourself out of this rut!" he told me, I just nodded my head and aggreed.
"Yeah! I'll never amount to anything more then you!" I told him, head down and obnoxious. All I could think about was mom watching The Hulk by herself and my son. "Dad! I'm as bad a father as you are. You know why?"
He Looked at me, bewildered. And answered "I wasn't a bad father."
"You were the worst!" I erupted finishing his sentence. "You were the weakest, most worthless mother fucker on our low income block dad!"
"How can you say that?" He demanded, shifting the car back into third, the weather was getting bad.
"Fuck!" I said breathing heavy. "I hate you! You should just let us crash, I just want to hit a poll!" I grabed the wheel of the the 4by4 and pulled us over into another lane, there is no one there.
"What the fuck are you doing" he yelled, terrified.
"I'd fucking kill you dad! You're so God Damn blind man! You're killing yourself anyway! And you're setting the par so low!"
"What do you want form me son!" he asked, pulling the car back into control. "What do you want form me?"


Thursday, November 8, 2012


Nothing like having a gigantic brother. My brother is huge and he's smart too. He's been able to fix everything I've ever broke, except Fanny's leash. We've been close most of my life. he's older then me. He' always looking over me, making sure I don't fuck up. The other day we were in my car together, it was snowing so hard. We were cruising up toward down town. It was magnificent. We drove by  a couple of people that had just found themselves in an accident. "We should see if  they're all right!" He told me. "You're such a decent human being brotha!" I shouted

Wednesday, November 7, 2012

I wished he was just a dream

I could feel myself slipping when I looked at him. He was exactly what I wanted him not to be. It sucked. Everything in my world was changing and he was staying the same. "God you fucking suck!" I yelled, he just looked over at me. We'd been together so long that we were starting to look alike. "I don't understand how you can't see that everything you do can be so much better if you did it for the right reasons. "What?" he asked, that was it. "Is that all you can say? We're here and nothing's changed" I said,  feeling so angry. "I want to help!" He said. "That's what you've said since day one, but you've never done anything" My voice always broke when I tried to confront him in the past, now all I do is yell. "I can't speak to you anymore, I think you're awful." I could tell I hurt him but you know what? I didn't fuckign care. He just kept driving.
We were half way to the mountains when he smirked laughing."We're no where close to where we're going! We still have at least another three hours! Relax, either way!"

Sunday, November 4, 2012

"that you love me....."

I want her to be my friend so bad. I can see her next to me. Breathing. "Dude" she say's to me, "What's up? Why you staring at me like that?" I realized I'm gawking. She likes it. I know. I have this thing that she likes. I make her feel beautiful from the inside out. It's because she's gorgeous.  It has nothing to do with her mind either. It's her face. I love her and I want her in my life.
"What?" she screams, making me realize that yet again I'm staring at her. She's gorgeous.  I gather up enough courage to ask her "how long have we known each other?" She didn't have to think long. "Pfft! honey, we met that night, while you were working. You came home and wrote about me!" I was surprised to hear that she read back to that post. "What'd I say about you?"
The fact is I was with someone else that night we first met. I was in love with another girl while we were together. I still love her now, except I don't love her like I loved you. She wasn't good for me. Well, neither were you. That's why we're just going to be friends. I'm good for you though.
"Stop it!" she say's sour facing me, looking miserable. "I know what you're thinking!" she tells me, looking at me innocently. "You're thinking you love me!" it's a taunt. "You know' I love you." I tell her, "and yes baby I am thinking about how much I love you." I didn't want you to know that I was thinking about someone else. 
I knew you were seeing him. I read through your texts. I looked over your messages while you were in the bathroom one of the first days I felt the urge. I didn't care about you after that. "You're face is beautiful baby, I love your legs." I remember telling you that, I just wished I could have liked your feet. I got over the fact that you were cheating on me easily. "i don't want to ever lose you!" was the first thing I said to you after I read those messages. You had sent him pictures of yourself naked. You slept with him, than you slept with me. I didn't want to lose you. I was so alone and in love with a woman that crushed me. You were just right.