Thursday, September 24, 2009

doesn't always suck.

Why Life Sucks
Life starts to suck in Geniuses 3. The serpent, the cheat, the spineless little twister of words, convinces Eve to eat the apple from the tree of knowledge. The fruit screws her up, bad. Then she hooks up Adam, the fruit mess's the two up, bad. After eating the fruit they feel guilt, and fear, the basics to true knowledge of good and evil. A little vanity maybe.
The Enuma Elish is the Babylonian creation myth. Its all about how people are rotten bags of dirt sent here to slave for the Gods. Who I bet had a bunch of rich king friends. We were made of a Chaos monster and blood. Life is crappy. This myth totally goes with today. But there is no way out. there is no reason for living in this myth. Humans have knowledge, our intimate knowledge with life is pushing us to grow. Humans are reaching for God. Humans are innately sinful, bad, naughty, whatever. They are also good. Life doesn't always suck.

Tuesday, September 22, 2009

Ushers House

It's in me, the House of Usher. We've been possessed by them all, the Ushers, for centuries now. Roderick, holds what's left of me in his faint and poor pounding heart- there, if you haven't guessed, is where you'll find our pain, what gives us our smarts our gain. Through the corridors, through the veins, you'll find my eyes are closed windows that still let in the rain. A family, a house, I was built here to stay. Now is much later, the years have become endless, and there is apathy, and I have began wasting away. My lady is dying, she is my phantasm, with her I hold my fear, I can now watch her until she disappears. It is now autumn, and the rain is going to be followed by the snow. Our trees are all dying and the swamps stink has started to grow, and it's starting to create an insufferable low. The tarn is showing us each other a reflection that molds. And the fungus has overgrown our Kingdom the hierarchy the thrown. My dreams are getting shorter, I'm becoming uninhabitable. There is that deficiency, that dishonesty inborn to serve the family. The lie that never really allowed me to show my instability, it has grown. The cracks, the rat, the insects, the weeds, all of them sent here to fester and breed. That boy has his twin sister, she is here to remind him of that indecision, that incoherent inconsistency. It's me the house of Usher, I stand together because together me and thee fall. Over centuries we've collected evil into a heart that can no longer even crawl. That's us the house of Usher, we’ve been crushed by one another, we are so small.

Wednesday, September 16, 2009


What drives us? Remember what drove me. It was you. What ever I meant by that at the time. My fares, Fuck! what is my fare now. The photo gig is growing for sure. My student loans are coming and I've officially acquired a dept. My own massive dept. School is cool and fun but it's expensive. I'm not worried about the cash issue right now or am I? The ground I'm walking on seems to feel like water. Maybe I'm standing on ice right now, speaking from a metaphoric stand point. I could break through and sink, fail all my classes. Get in dept. I returned to yellow taxi today, to cash some of my old Visa slips I had, about a hundred bucks worth. The cashier told me I was accumulating interest. The accident I was in where I was falsely accused of running a yellow. The insurance companies want their money, so i got to pay the deductible, even though I'm innocent till proven guilty. I think I'm going to be found innocent. The girl that hit me paid her ticket. She was guilty. I can't afford to pay the massive deductible. It's over a thousand dollars. Greedy company. Interest. Screw them. I'm not falling through. I'm sliding across. the foundation which I chose to drive myself on is going to hold me. Support me because I chose the right path. I am .........

Tuesday, September 15, 2009

Bombs Away

The days move on and on. Rapidly changing my life my circumstance. I have a court date coming up soon. The left turn incident, it all happened so fast. Unbelievable that the asshole cop wrote me a ticket too. We all know it was the young women out to buy stimulants who hit me. She did, She hit me. It all happened so fast. October 29Th is my night to be there or be square.
So school, is acceptable. It's beyond that, it incredible. My psych teacher puts his whole course online. So we don't even need to come to class. I said "Professor we're all social animals. We need to connect to each other. We need to be in the presence of others to satisfy our enormous appetite for attention from others." He told me "well while your online listening to my lecture why don't you log onto your facebook account and have a chat with a friend." The whole class laughed. Made me kind of sad. I like being involved with my peers. I like to know the people who are interested in the same subjects I am. Unfortunately my chance to talk to my fellow class mates is going to be limited to test dates and exam review days. Oh well.
The best part of my time at Concordia so far has been the Media man. the schools presidents right hand man. He's a the guy who is creating Concordias public image. Given us the shine. The school is immaculate. The only thing wrong with it is that I don't make money being here. Otherwise this is a school any parent should send his kid too. I haven't even met any kids on drugs yet. Drunk maybe, but not one on drugs. Not even any rich coke heads here to appease their nagging rich father. I'm keeping my eye wide open though for a flaw. It could be like that green screen I was using while taping the next Concordia ad campaign, what I'm seeing could all be an illusion.

Thursday, September 10, 2009

Inferno Bucket

As long as she can ride in the Porch, she doesn't care about the other women. That's what I think women really want. They want access to a really nice car. Young women don't want a solid guy(if you get my drift) they want a man that fits into their princessy world of shiny shoes, and jewelry. I never want to be part of that fantasy, But I do hope I have a nice ride. Sweet wheels, that get me from a to b, my Mazda 323 is falling apart. I love that it get 800km to a tank of gas though. It needs work and I can't afford it. Hope my girlfriend likes an old, little, green ride.
Totally waiting for my student loans, I even bought my book with my own money. I have a feeling I'm going to go hungry before I get that check from the government. A check that I have to pay back. So you all know , I'm not getting a hand out like I did with guru. I'm getting a student loan. I don't even know how much their gonna give me. Not too much, I'm a psych major what are the chances I'm actually gonna get a job that makes me any money. Fucking psychology, God damn why? Why do I like such cheesy shit? Why can't I just love driving truck, or construction work. God why didn't you make me into the rest of the world. Big and dumb and ugly. Fuck God I feel dumb and ugly and small. Hey God, I'm looking for work and I'm babbling cause I'm hungry.

Tuesday, September 8, 2009


Writing is keeping in you touch with your moment. Whats been groovin in my part of the movin. Concordia. Great school. Great, Great, Great, school so far. The same professors as the UofA, smaller class sizes. Awesome kids. So far. I played soccer. It's actually a class geared toward "How to Coach" a soccer team. I like soccer. I ran my heart out. In touch with my physical self? No, but I'm gonna be. My heart was pounding, I could breath though. I stopped smoking almost three years ago I think. Man I've changed. I've adapted my life to fit adulthood.
Psychology, my major. Well I'm almost finished any classes that involve anything psychology. I do have a Learning and Behavior class and it rocks. Behaviorists? We are a product of our environment. John Lock mother fuckers. There is no conscience. We are just reacting to life. I want to go further then my environment is telling me. I want to succeed because there is something inside of me that wants me to live my life. I'll achieve self actualization. Move beyond the norm. Make a difference. My environment told me to write that. My reaction to the world around me. I bought text books. 250$ and that was at half price. Love ya Bye.

Monday, September 7, 2009

I'm Rich, and wealthy. Attractive?

It's your photo. com was officially started as of this weekend. People were happy as pie to have their pictures taken by yours truly. Yet still I only have three clubs to shoot next weekend. I need more people to let me take photo at their clubs. I'm not going to go broke trying, I'm gonna get rich working my ass off and marketing the web site. Hits are coming in. People are making their way to the site to see themselves. Not sure if they are uploading the pics though. I wounder if the flicker account tells you that you've had people actually upload the photos. I love those photos. I love that style of work. Someone just asked me if I could shoot a fundraiser next week. I can make a little on the side and also promotionalize myself with This would be a cooler idea if I could get people from all over the world to the site. If I could have actual international events on my list. I would love to be flown around the world to take photos. God are you listening.
I recently received a comment from a reader. I stab at Christianity. Man that was a malicious attack on a religion. Good for you. I like honesty. Jesus likes honest people too. So recently I had the opportunity to sign myself up to hang out with a disabled student. Not sure what his physical problems are but I know that they are hard core. Dealing with disability is something I'm going to have to learn to do in my job. I would like to learn how he communicates. Does he have the same style of thinking as me? Is he angry. All that stuff, I need to know.
Concordia is opening up lots of doors for me. I can tell. The school is obviously committed to creating a learning environment and gearing the students who are willing to a productive pace. I am so proud of myself for deciding to come to school. It's more then I deserve. Living in my own house. Taking care of myself and my sun, independently. Wow, now all I need is the part time photography biz to pucker up and make me some money. Rock on.

Friday, September 4, 2009


It's raining cats and dogs out there today. Well off and on. I had my first official lecture in Intro to Christian faith. I asked the age old question, does God exist? I was told that we were going to learn about that. God is real in my mind, but I can see how he's not really understood by everyone. Maybe I'm full of shit who knows? I like going to school it's awesome. The kids are straight out of high school. You can tell there is some seriously pretentious rich assholes. I even saw an adolescent driving a Hummer. It was a cheap H2 or whatever, but I'm circling the outskirts of the campus looking for free parking for my Mazda 323. I am so broke, I know this photo stuff is going to pan out. It's gonna be close though. Rough and poor at first. I got 1000 cards printed. That's one of a couple of things I'm looking forward to do this weekend other then study of course. I hope the rain stops falling in time for the photo shoots. I need another battery for my camera bad! It's an expense I might have to risk today. last week my battery ran out while I was in the clubs. I got the shots I needed but still I was so fucking worried about it throughout the nigh I probably compromised a few shots. Whatever! I'll be on the ball this week. I mean this Friday, I'm going to sonic BOOM tomorrow. Yeeee Haw!

Thursday, September 3, 2009

fucking looney toons

Behavioral change is the topic of my psych class. I love psych. It's why I entered into the program. I was trying to figure out what I was doing in university, then I remembered I'm going to destroy any psych competitor. Whatever the fuck that means.
I'm inherently good at it. From Freud to Skinner, I understand the concepts before they arise. What I really want to do is build my own psych theory. A model that focuses on diagnosing problematic behaviors before they even happen. I want to create a theory that works, one that finds the real dangers to society before they even become a danger. One that stops people from committing suicide before they even think about killing themselves. Am I manic probably, but I also drank a phat cup of coffee. So who know if I'm bipolar or strung out? A good psychologist I suppose. Unfortunately they are few and far between. I think it's been a while since I've seen a doctor or shrink of any sort. Why I've been sober for over four years. On my own accord. Psychology starts with the person. You can't fix people that are not aware of their problems, can you. I'll figure it out and get Pfizer to build me a new drug, one that prevents craziness. HAHAHAHAHAHA

Wednesday, September 2, 2009

Grand Pa go jerk off cause I gave myself a second chance

Ok so I've simmered down. Man she must have pissed me off pretty bad for me to have written a blog about her. Even though my ex totally threw me a curve ball she actually left me an excellent child. God my sun is so bright. A star that's for sure. Makes me think about my dad. My dad is officially a dead beat father and grand father. If he still reads the blogs that'll stab the bastard in the rib. My father lives on the south side of Edmonton. In the past year I bet my dads seen my sun once, and that was at SouthGate. I don't care though. I'm trucking along I'm lucky that I have a kid. My life would suck without him. He is why I get up in the morning. Not my pa. Tonight I had to put him to bed and because of the recession and the job lose and the move into my new apartment I don't have a little baby bed for my little guy. He sleeps with me. It's often in those moments when you're putting this little three year old monkey to bed that you realize how good life is. When you can cradle your child to sleep in a big warm bed. It makes you smile, even though your always thinking about the next week and the cash you need to survive. That feeling of being able to give your child security. That's so far in my life the biggest pay off. My father raised me kinda. He was there most of the time. He never cradled me and he definitely never showed me any affection. Encouragement was given with a belt. I'm not like my father and it's his fault. Watching my parent fight my whole childhood taught me something, "don't fight in front of your kids and love and kiss them." Families are the fundamental part of a quality existence. To build a family and maintain it is to build and empire. My family is new to Canada, I have a Polish passport. I was born in Canada but my first language was Polish. My kid on the other hand is pure 100% Canada. Maybe now we can start building a lasting family because the one that parents hoped to build here in Canada died until my sweet ray of sunshine bounced into the planet.

x's suck

The hunger strikes. O.k so today I have my first class and I can't wait. Intro to Christian faith. All right!!! For real I can't wait to meet the kids. I'm hungry though. That's what I get for living by myself. My ex girlfriend is making my transition to becoming a successful student a difficult task. She just decided to take her unemployed ass to Calgary. I thought that because she was out of a job we could share the responsibilities of parenthood. I thought that because it's my first week of school she could help me arrange a comfortable schedule for me and my sun. Not a chance. My ex is as selfish as it comes. Hasn't worked in almost a year. Just had a flood hit her house, now she is spending insurance money for a living. She never made any transitions easy for me. From becoming a father to dealing with drug addiction. I'm a selfish ass too, but I' aware of it. Not her, she could rear end you and drive away, and if you confronted her about it she is the type that would say it wasn't her. She knows how to change the truth. It's actually kinda psycho, but don't tell her that cause she'll never admit to it. So now I'm going to my first class. I'm gonna keep you guys updated.

Tuesday, September 1, 2009

In the name of Concordia

Concordia has arrived. Thanks to the assertivness of my assistant Dean to admissions I'm logged on to my computer through my campuss access pass. I'm a fucking twenty seven year old student. Plus I got a kid. Wow! I can already tell this is going to be a joy ride through hell and back.
This is a religious campus. That's new for me. I've even met someone looking to become a Pastor. Holy SHit. I have very little to do right now other then describe to you what I want out of this experience. I want a good story. I want an ending that keeps moving toward a positive goal. The campus is young and I know that I'm so fucking excentric that they might have a hard time understanding me. I guess there has to be an adaption. I have to change, not who I am, but how I interact with the delicate souls here in Concordia. Thats what I really want out of this Psych Degree.
I don't want to talk shit about the school, so far everyone here has been great. the staff I hear is conservitiv. The soon to be Pastor guy I met was sporting a conservitive t-shirt. Dealing with conservitive thinkers is a chalange for me but again learnign to deal with other styles of thinking is what I really want out of my education. I want to be part of a community. A comunity that's seen in the sun light. No more darkness, unless of course I'm out shooting those night club photos. That's a whole other web page.

Orientation day is sweet. Hords of young kids learning that university is like an unsupervised high school. Concordia has a gorgeous campus, it over looks the river valley. there is a Chappell, a church and it's a focal point. Unsupervised campus my ass, Gods out there, watching. I'm hungry, Gotta go.

this is where you should find me