Saturday, February 28, 2009

Watch your nipples fall off

SO you guys want a horror story, well then go to the cinema. What happened tonight is not that exciting. My first fare barfed. Good thing I got convenience bags. Bada boom, super puke savers. First he got it all over the side of the car(the outside). We were on the Yellow head and he stuck his face out into traffic and hurled. Beautiful sight, rugged. Yes, midterms are finito. Kids get fucked up right after the test. I drove these two dudes from North Carolina, I fucking adore Americans. They seem to understand what they are in the world. These guys wanted a good time so they went to the Ranch. The 25 year old picked up a thirty something women and convinced her to get him some blow. I told him Canadian blow consists of Meth. He was like "guess I'm gonna get real messed up" and laughed. His buddy picked up a younger lady, neither of them could think about anything else other then doing some rails then smoking some Canadian chronic and banging some local tail. You go boys, Hit that shit. Just remember if they can hook up all the drugs under the sun you might get burnt. Need to double wrap that money maker cause those wives you got at home I'm sure are waiting for your sunshine STD free. Stay safe though, and cheat on your women. Yesssss. I think I'm kind of a chauvinist pig. I love women, but I don't understand them. The taxi lets me watch people from such a unique perspective. I fall in love with most of my clients, I love the honesty and the speed I establish a relationship. I don't really fall in love I just totally submerse myself in their lives. As best I can and sometimes I don't want them to leave. They get the fuck out though and I go on my merry way, love or no love the recession is gonna blow us out of the water.
Fuck Fort Mac! (that comes from almost all the fares I've driven that lived there as children) it's going to be a scare in Canadian history. But hey just take another crack hit you'll forget about it, then cheat on your spouse. And don't tell me that doesn't happen I drove her home last night from his place sucker.

Friday, February 27, 2009

Ten Second Epic Ruled

I need a distraction, I need to find another way to write a killer blog and make money. I need a faster car. I need to start selling drugs to make ends meet. I need to drop a bomb on this city. I wish I was God, Fuck!
No fucking money and it's so cold I have become suicidal. One of my personal fares gave me a great story. The Columbus Blue Jackets were in town to play the Oilers. We kicked ass I'm sure. Well during his visit Jared Bowl was sad and lonely and he met up with this one client of mine. Now she isn't one of those girls, but when he threw her his digits she just couldn't resist. She called him and a few minutes later found herself drinking with some friends and a bunch of hockey players. SO she shoots a couple back and out of nowhere Jared Bowl throws her into a closet where she gives him a blow job and he fucks the shit out of her. I asked "was he any good?" She said "I don't know I was too drunk." Well I'm happy she remembered that much it was a good story. She's hot too, I always wonder why she's single. I can't fucking stand hockey players. Maybe because I'm out pushing hack for jack shit and the kid not only makes a shit load of cash a year but all he has to do is toss his number on a bar to score. Life.
The York, fucking York Hotel, I recommend it to any new comers to Edmonton. It's a first class Hotel. Close to downtown and all the amenities, including the cop shop. So I pick up a fine couple there. Mr.Morrison and a whore. Ugly manly whore, but Mr. Morrison digs it. I drive them to a liquor store on Stony Plain Rd. They both get out to buy the booze. On the way back they need to stop into Brados (another classy west end joint). When they finally came back Mr.Morrison had this to say "J" that's what he called me "J, have you ever had to hang the rat out a bit?" I said "yes" paused "don't we all?" Then Morrison said "well have you ever had a pip squeak pop out the other side while you were pushing." I said "sure it could happen to the best of us." Then he told me "I didn't even realize what was happening till the sucker started to stretch the cotton." Fuck Mr.Morrison shit his pants. The whore kept laughing, I'm guessing she couldn't wait for the rim job she was destined to do when the beer is done. I'm awful, but I'm the best.

Sunday, February 22, 2009

I have an electric taxi

really it runs on Lightning

My Brother is a Genius

Engineers who work for oil companies are, in my opinion as useless to mankind as all the kids that are getting out of school with a welding degree(is there such a thing). Sorry kids but fuck there is only so much pipe to weld. Maybe some of those sell out engineers can whip up something for you kids to glue together with metal. If not why don't all you welders weld us up some jail cells so we have a place to throw all the sellout Fort Mac supporters. Cause we all know that in the future, I mean I hope all the pigs that supported the oil sands will be punished. If its good for the economy but bad for life then it's got to go. Fort McMurray: Tar Sands from Space check it out engineers, that is if you can pull yourselves away from the teenage ass at the Union. I'm sure working in Fort Mac has only made you guys a much more cultured bunch then the teenage boys those girls usually want to fuck. But hey all that money you make selling out mother nature is well spent on the blow. Keep it up guys, I'm sure our environment is in good hands with men like you around to engineer up new ways to destroy her homeostasis. Enough about the dirty oil bastards. What happened tonight...........not much. Have you guys ever heard of a FauxMo Sexual. It's a guy who goes to gay bars to fuck the straight ladies. You see he pretends he's gay and then he pounces on the girl that wants to set him straight. Ha. Lots of nice people tonight. I drove a bunch to St Albert, the only reason I'm mentioning them is because they are going to see the Kings of Leon and I'm very jealous. I'm going to see Ten Second Epic tonight. Starlight room. I'm stocked. I'm gonna get fucked and take a cab and blog about it loaded. Some kids in the car were all fucked up on Pregabalin they said that any drug connoisseur would really enjoy it. You hear that drug addicts, go break your back or something.
Ticket Master. Drove a manager. O.k so what ticket master supposedly does is add a surcharge to the ticket price. The surcharge is 13 dollars. The thing about it is the whole thirteen bucks doesn't go to Ticket Master. A percentage goes to "Others". I guess the promoters get big cuts. Sometimes they use charities to produce a larger gain on the surcharges. Ticket master is just getting the brunt of it because it was the middle man. Ticket Master was just there to make money. Imagine if Ticket master was controlled by a guy that wanted as many kids as possible to see Kings of Leon, or even Ten Second Epic. Imagine if Ticket Master Cared. Imagine if the engineers cared, then I'm sure we would need more welders and a lot more bands.

Saturday, February 21, 2009

Women love motor boats

Thank You Very Much, this letter means very much to me, no joke

I count the money I made when I get home. Fuck lately I've been avoiding it. Tonight was a good night for me. Lots of laughs. Lots of drugs. First group, two English dudes. They thought I was gay cause I told them that three dudes once blew each other in the back seat. I drove them to Joey Tomatoes on Jasper where they got a patron/drug pusher of the bar to come out and sell them some Canadian cocaine. I'm calling it Canadian cocaine because it's been cut with every dirty cleaning product under your sink, and then they add Meth. The Meth adds the extra zinger. Canadians usually can't tell the difference because not many have traveled to Columbia. These English dudes thought the coke was good, I don't think they've ever been to South America either. Well anyway they snorted the blow in the back of the cab, on their way to suit 69. I wonder, if I'm gay cause three dudes fucked around in the back, am I a drug addict cause some English fellows snorted blow in the back. You tell me boys. They lost a gram in the back seat but they were so high from the first snort of crank they didn't care about the lose. Then there was this group of young teenage boys. Nirvana was playing while they were getting in. "Where you guy's going" I asked, with the music blaring in the background."St Albert" on of them answered. I turned "Drain you" up full blast. The song ended. We started to talk. The young dudes realized I'm one of the best cab drivers they were ever going to have, they asked me to stop at a bank. While we searched for a ATM I found out the boys were hopped up on Acid. Yes the LSD Lucy in the sky with Diamonds is what they said. All three were tripping balls, but I wasn't a downer. People tripping on hallucinogens can be scary. To tell you guys the truth, during the boom the only drug that showed it's face was Cocaine and Crack (brother and his cheap whore sister). The last few weeks the mushrooms and the LSD have been bobbing around. I don't know how I feel about that. Those types of drugs (Psychedelics) fuck people up in a manner that makes them less predictable. Irrational, erratic, fun and scary all at the same time. These boys were planning to rip a cabby off, but God sent them me, they paid me cause they wanted to. I was a trip for them. Then there was the Gang girl. She is still around. I really like her. You guys she is a gorgeous women. Dark skin, nice eyes, great body and a crack habit she just can't keep under wrap. I bought her a sandwich and drove her for free. She told me stories I can't write down, they're about the gangs. Fuck now I know to much. Way to much. I started asking her why she won't get out. I told her that she could use her looks to snag a guy with a future. I told her she could get away. She said "I wouldn't be happy." I looked at her and said "No one is. it's a dream, its a metaphor, its a chase and lady all you got to do is run." She smiled. I asked her "Is there more to it, is there something busted up there in that head of yours?" I was implying some sort of abuse might have occurred in her childhood. We talked about her dad, who never abused her, but never gave her the love she wanted. Well that's what I got out of what she said. I like her a lot. She's interesting and has stories about sex, drugs, gangs violence and even murder (no joke) but she is going to die on the streets if she doesn't run away. I hope I get to see her again, she's a friend. My Dad called me tonight. Late, from the Airport, he needed a taxi, sorry Pops, sorry I couldn't be there for you.

Friday, February 20, 2009

love the red shoes/ Obstacle

Tonight was a generally happy night, lots of personals. Mostly my own clients, new and old. There was this couple. These two girls from Nova Scotia, they were drunk. One of them told me she made out with another Cabby so he'd knock 3 bucks off. After she kissed him he offered her a free ride for another kiss. She did it. I'd take the money and run. One of the fares took my money and ran. It was a great situation. SO I'm waiting outside a bar. On the Rocks. The only reason I'm there is because I'm second in line. That bar pumps out work. The clientele is clean. Lots of International flare there, fun people. Tonight was quiet but people were in the Bars. I waited in line, it's something you have to do lately. I don't do it often. I remember I saw the girl before she even left the bar. I saw her stumbling around inside, through the windows. I knew she was next. SHe was tossed in by a Spanish Fellow. SHe sat up front. SHe actually forced herself into the front seat. The dude sat in the back. He told her to tell me her address, she didn't want to tell me. It was because of him. SHe had been stringing him along probably the whole night and then she forgot his name. SHe pointed the direction she lived in and we drove that way. We got the guy out to not far from the bar, she was reluctant to go anywhere with him. As soon as he got out I asked for the address. SHe said "I want to get fucked up I want cocaine." Then I said " You can't stand up straight, you are fucked up, go home." SHe was the touchy feely type. Harmless, but close. Weird. Stuff like that doesn't happen to people at work too regularly. I'm not hot but I'm cute and sometimes fares get close. It's a rush for sure but not something that can ever be acted upon. This chick was laying it on hard. SHe wanted coke. I told her "we could go to 711" she smirked. Hands poking at me. I told her "you're lucky that you got in my cab, someone else might take you seriously." She had this twenty dollar bill in her hand. SHe lived downtown not far from the bar. She worked up a 18$ fare. She was stalling the whole time. Just drunk, trying to get me to do drugs with her. The girl wasn't a hooker or anything. I sat there, looking at her as I was parked in front of her high rise and notices the scares. She was showing a lot of skin. Slutty like. The scares were cuts. She was a cutter. The most intense one was on her neck. She was toast. Fucking drunk, trying to get me to go upstairs with her and do drugs, have sex. I told her she was crazy. SHe knew it, she had also seemed to misplace the twenty dollar bill. I told her I'd help her get inside then I asked "where is the 20 bucks." It was on the floor board, it fell as she was getting out of the car. SHe fucking took that twenty dollars and ran on me. Showed me the finger and ran away on me. I got out of the car and asked her if she's really ditching me. SHe did. Fucking money, the trip was worth it, it was intense. I get tempted with stuff all the time, it's thrilling. Over coming moral obstacles is the most difficult part to my job.
Now I have these clients. Well it's this one chick from Lister hall. She's spending reading week in the dorms. The University residence is a hard core building. 1800 mostly adolescent teens living amongst each other. This chick is cool. SHe has this friend from PEI I think. Tonight her friend danced. She was wild. Awesome. She rocked out to "Turbo Lover" by Judas Priest. It was sweet one of those moments of innocents. Youth.

Thursday, February 19, 2009

Get Bent

Again very few fares to tell you about. The Economy is changing, or maybe it's because of reading week. The U of A is out for spring break and that's where the money is made. Nice young naive university children and their huge appetite for sex, drugs and a safe ride home. Yeah right!So tonight was kind of another joke but I got some good stories. There were these two nice ladies traveling to Cuba. They told me that they once had a friend go there with her just married sister. Since the sister was not going to cheat on her new husband, the other sister needed to get laid by a Cuban man in secret. As not to create some sort of jealous tension I guess. Well one day during the vacation one of the lost pieces of luggage that that the married sister had brought and lost on the way had arrived. This gave the horny sister a half hour to go find a Cuban to plow her. Well I guess according to my fare she found one. The Bartender. They told me he fucked her on one of the tables at the restaurant. In a half hour. They also told me that later that night her and her sister ate supper at the same table. Who doesn't wish they were in Cuba right now?
Hey did you guys hear, Obama hit up Canada? Do you know what he called Alberta's Oil sand production, "Dirty Oil?" That's right! See if Oil was a drug Saudi Arabia would have oil that's like Cocaine. Now that makes Alberta's Environmental catastrophe oil "Crack." Is that what you were going to say. Wrong! Well Alberta is cheaper then crack our oil is the equivalent of dirt trailer park Meth. Fucking greed took us so deep. Well I hope Harper likes swallowing ex presidents Bushes toxic cum. We all know the Canadian government was sucking off the Bush administration. Fuck Harper, now he's going to have to blow the black President and hopefully it's going to be a bigger shaft to deep throat. Harper is a greedy whore, and so is anyone that thought that the Oil sands were a good way to feed their families. Mrs.Karma is going to get you don't worry. Oh I saw police chief Mike Boyed walking his K9 last night on 82 ave. I wanted to chase him down and give him my blogs URL so he could read about his inadequacies as a leader but my fare was still in the car.
I also drove this chick that promotes event notorious-events

Monday, February 16, 2009

precious, you guys there is so much more to it

First fare of the night was priceless. Ok, Gollum and two dudes strait out of the Remand center got in my car. The reason I am calling the guy Gollum is because he had long, long hair but he was seriously going bald. He was older and he was definitely holding on to his precious. He sat up front. The two in the back seat were like these two kid with no money hanging off Gollum. You could tell they had been drinking the whole day. One of the guys in the back just got out of jail, yesterday. He was put away for possession of stolen property. They let him out of jail and the first thing he did was get drunk with Gollum. Now they were in my car and they needed cash. They had 40$ on them just in case they couldn't get anymore. Now Gollum had his precious bank card, but he had withdrawn his account limit through the ATMs so he was looking for a store that did cash back. The Safeway, the Shoppers and the London drugs in Jasper Place denied him any cash back. Probably because he looked like Gollum, but a Gollum that had been drinking for like two years straight. The dudes in the back kept suggesting we go to the Wallmart on 185th street and Stony Plain Rd but Gollum wasn't having any part of the Wallmart Idea. "It's too far away" he kept yelling. Then he'd say "I can do this without you guys" in an angry but childish voice and the criminals in the back would shut their traps. Gollum had the card hence he was buying their crack. I asked the dude (the thief) why he didn't just go home. He told me he was staying with his Grand Mother and she was just no fun. I urged him to go home. I told him the crack is just going to lead back to the pen. He told me that they were going to piss test him next week, but he plans on drinking enough booze in the next few day to flush everything out of his system, including the life. We pulled up to the Safeway at West mount and Gollum got out. He went in to get the cash back. We all had our fingers crossed this was going to be the place. When Gollum came back holding a 24 pack of Coke Classic and a fat ass smile we all knew he had finally tapped into his bank account. Their final address was 108ave and 95 street. The Crack area of Edmontons city center. They were going to visit the thief's mom. They all liked me very much. I had to give them all the pound. They were my first fare. It was fun and Gollum tried to leave me a 24 pack of coke but I told him to fuck off and take his pop to Mamas.

Sunday, February 15, 2009

Change you're future Ours

SO this is my current view on the situation. The Economy is changing. People are losing jobs. Here in Edmonton. Tonight was February 14Th. valentines day! Dude tonight it was almost impossible to find a fare. Work, lots of circling with no address to got to. No money. Scary No money. People were out. Partying. I had a few fares. Everyone I drove showed me love. But the fares are scarce this season. I'm not used to it. Lots of traffic. The city is changing. Slowing down. One of my fares was a teacher, post secondary. He read my blog. Cool. HE kinda knew me. I love having people in the car. I'm good at that. That's the fundamental aspect of the way I make money. I want people in the car and when I don't get them it's painful. Flags were almost non existent. I love flags so much. It's a show when you pick someone off the street. You put on the right attitude. I get people to dig in. I ask them questions, to figure out "What the fuck". When it's slow it's rough on me. I wanted to blame the drunks, or the cops about tonight. But there is more to it. Its cold, I guess. I want to make the blog more interactive, more real time stuff. I think I would have to have my own Business and do it publicly. Get a fleet of cars. Just little portals into the lives of the thousands of people. No too big brother. We fucking love big Brother. Maybe we need less big brother. This is quickly becoming a new play ground. I think that we're in for a change this year. There is some people who haven't been affected by the change in the economy, but it's gonna happen. It gets you thinking. There is going to be changes on the future. Most likely good ones, but we're gonna have to put up with some turmoil. Some slow nights. I think I'm lucky. People like me, at least while I'm driving them. It's the family day long week end. Hip Hip Hurray. Have fun.

Saturday, February 14, 2009

"Liquor spot" say it slow

Tonight consisted of personal fares. Almost all of the people I drove were personals. It was cold and the snow made things slippery. Tonight was tough to define. I have a distinct clientele that treats me very well. I do my best to take care of people. I've noticed that it comes back in the long run. Tonight I had a fare I drove a long time ago. I took care of the guy, he was in the military. I told him he could do what he wanted. He went to McDonald's.Tonight him and his friends made sure my trip was beyond worth it. Thank you. Then there was this dude who I drove to the Donair shop the other day, he was running so I told him to "Jump in." He was trying to make it to Dukes. He really wanted a Donair. Tonight he told me "even though I got a ride Duke had already put away the Meat." No donair. But he remembered me and I got a fare tonight. A good one. Then there is these kids, West Enders. Upper, Upper, Upper Middle class. Those kids are going to put my kid through College. Thanks. I also have a group of girls I've been driving for a long time. I don't think they read the blog but they love my taxi rides. I enjoy them as well. They've been my fares almost two years. Wouldn't be here without them. I also got a fare from a girl, someone visiting her. It was an awesome ride. The dude paid me in American money. Thanks Oklahoma. THere was this one guy, he was a flag. He got in and he remembered me. He was like " I know you." When people say that to me I tell them "I was good wasn't I." People always smile when I say that. Turns out one of my first ever clients, introduced us. I've driven so many people. I love it. Even the guy from last night, the guy who threw up on the girl even he e-mailed me and thanked me. Maybe there was a reason that girl liked him so much. What I'm trying to say is, do it (live life) cause you love it. Hopefully the money will come. And If you really love it you'll be fine cause the people around will feel it too. Right now is the time of the survival of the fittest. Darwin was an economist. Mutations. But don't bite, lick. Nurture.

Friday, February 13, 2009

My commercial

Fuck I'm a Slut

Overnight Ryan Maier You got balls brother

Whose got stories. The guy on 100.3 the Bear does. Ryan this one is for you. But before I start, kids from Grant MacEwan who were taught by the Juniper, I feel for you, I dealt with the same crappy teaching style at GURU, the almighty graphic school of shit. Any who. So tonight I see a couple walking up Argyle. They're moving west. I can tell they're going to need a cab cause they're just off of Calgary trail and there really isn't anywhere to go. So I pull up to pick them up. The chick, who's hot as hell by the way, is wearing heels and a short sleeve shirt (it was cold last night). I didn't even pay attention to the dude cause the girl looked reasonable. Well they get in. "Thank you so much for stopping" she says. The guy is incoherent. "What happened?" I ask. She tells me that they were kicked out of the last cab cause dude wasn't acting nice. I figured he was being racist, but then I took a look at him and noticed that he had thrown up all over himself. "Fuck" I think to myself out loud. "Are you going to get sick in the car again?" I ask. She responds "He can throw up on me" his head falls into her lap. I start talking to buddy, hoping he can hear me in that drunken subconscious of his. "Dude this chick loves you enough to let you throw up on her you better remember this tomorrow." He looked like a douche. He was toast. It was his birthday. He went to the Union and they over served him. They should have been fined by the looks of him. Well about half way to Lister hall, the University residence the boy starts filling the hot chicks lap with vomit. I heard her say "ooh it's warm" I pulled over and told the kid to be civil and toss his cookies on the road like a human being. I got to talking to the girl after he had regurgitated what was left in his 19 year old birthday gut, turns out she likes this guy.(probably for the whole semester) I asked if he know how she feels about him. She said " I don't think so" as she patted his head resting on her lap that was covered in his vomit. Wow now that's a good love story. My only issue with it is that asshole kid threw up all over the chick and she took it willingly, but the mother fucker won't remember what he did tomorrow and this poor girls love will go unnoticed by Mr.Vomit. It was a good story of romance wasn't it. Damn right, it was good enough for me to call up the night DJ on the bear and tell him the whole story. He loved it. So later that night I pick this kid up off of 107 ave. The ghetto. He gets in and tells me to go to 154 and Stony Plain road. On the way there I hear my voice coming out of the radio. I tell the kid to listen. We hear the story on the girl and the lap full of vomit. My fare opens up to me. He's just an 18 year old kid who's hustling, the first address we drove to was to deliver a piece. Crack! to this little native dude. Then We drove to CallingWood to pick up some Tuna, you know the Kush. He told me stories about the hustle. He was honest with me. Then the dude from the Bear played me Mr.Cabdriver by Lennie Kravits. What a blast. I'm so happy someone was there to here me telling a story on the radio, even though it entailed me helping some kid dig himself deeper into the Buizznass. He was a father too.
Lennie You Are Welcoem to Ride with me Anytime

Thursday, February 12, 2009

diarrhea in a cabbies mouth

Tonight I almost lost it on another cabby. The asshole mother fucker parked behind me. No big deal, except all he did is pull up behind me and leave his back end on the street. He looked like he was diagonal parking except on 82 ave(a busy street) I usually don't care about bad cabbies but this guy almost got hit his ass was so far out on the road. I asked him to move. He told me to fuck off. I brought out my digital camera. He freaked out and told me it was illegal to film him. I said he was an idiot for parking like a jack ass. I radioed in to dispatch. Dispatch asked him if he was OK. He told them I was drunk. I have the whole conversation on video. He lied to them. So many taxi drivers are scam artist,rapists, drug dealers, thieves and bad drivers. I want to rid my city of the cabby shit. Would you guys want your mother to take a cab driven by a cabby that would steal her purse, or worse yet would you want a cad driver to take your daughters virginity. Then people! start complaining to the company when you get a shitty ride. Always look out for the company of the taxi you got in and if the driver is at all being creepy or trying to work you, report the cock sucker. Trust me a crooked cabby would rip you off in a second. I bet most of you already know that. FUck ignorant cabbies.
Anyway later I drove this schizophrenic man who scared me. I think he thought he could speak hundreds of different languages cause he kept changing his dialect every few minutes. I didn't understand him most of the ride. Thank God there was no stabbing.

Monday, February 9, 2009

Marijuana has been linked to testicular cancer

Military men Rock. The people in the army put their lives on the line to keep our country safe and sovereign. I drove a few of them this weekend. On Saturday night it was this sexy (yes sexy) infantry lady. She was done, loaded but she still looked good and she was an army lady. Tonight there were five dudes, they came from a fitness center, they were so cool. I always let military fares do whatever they want, as long as they don't do anything to me it's game. They never do anything disrespectful. I even say they can yell anything they want out the window. They never do. It's against their nature I think. I'm sure the army has some bad apples, but I haven't had the opportunity to drive any of them just yet. After that I drove this kid who was out to score some weed and then go back to his pad. I was able to drive him to his weed dealers house without him telling me the address. I'm good like that. I know almost all the drug dens in the West end. Marijuana isn't a bad drug in my opinion. I've never been scared of somebody high on grass. Crack yes, Coke yes, Meth yes, I don't think so. Heroin isn't accessible in Edmonton, if you want down you gotta shot Oxies. We're on the Prairies man. I think Weed should be legalized, then the government would at least have some control over it and the pot heads wouldn't have to buy it from high School kids. And If you think weed is an illicit dirty drug go to BC and open you're eyes, it's that provinces main export. It feeds millions of families. Whatever. I knew where the fare was going as soon as he said hes getting a bag of grass. I was relived I wasn't going to help some fuck deliver crack to a mother of ten or something. You guys it was dead tonight. No money. I got to do a lot of driving and thinking. Lots of radio, the Ongoing History of new Music was on, you gotta love that show. Oh and some dude asked me "come in and snort a line with me, I got beer we can shoot the shit" I said "NO but thanks for the offer" I get those offers all the time. Then later on my way up Whyte ave I saw some dude I met smoking outside a bar I was parked in front of, I gave him a free lift home, he invited me in to see his kick ass guitar and amp set up, it was to bad he lived in an apartment building his amp was big enough to blow my head off. Im going to fight my war with a guitar one day. hopefully I won't get shot.

Sunday, February 8, 2009

Junior Picaso

The bars were packed tonight. The women were gorgeous tonight, the men were hot and bothered. The roads were slushy. I drove these two girls to the Union, one had red hair. Later they called me back, they said that the Union sucked (the Union is for yuppies). They asked me where they should go, I took them to Blues on Whyte. Rocking. Ladies you gotta have an open mind, just because the men outside looked a hundred years old doesn't mean the party's gonna suffer, it just makes it a hundred times better. Fuck I loved dancing to the Blues before I actually got them. Now I'm a hundred years old but I'm making it. There was this personal fare, she wanted to take her cousins home but some guy leached on to one of the girls. I took my fare, her female cousin and the sleazy asshole to his place. The whole ride there the girl in the back seat kept saying "I'm not one of those girls" and the sleazeball rig pig type guy just kept nodding and moving in closer and closer. She started kissing him, then she almost sat on him. By the end of the trip she was ready to mate with the player. My fare (her cousin) convinced her to stay in the car and let the one night stand man go home alone. Except about a block away the slutty girl in the back seat realized she was "one of those girls" and asked me to flip a bitch so she could spend the night with a guy who was going to kick her out before morning. He was the type that would do it and not even toss her the cab fare. The sad part was that it was a family outing and the guy had tried to get it on with all the girls in the crew, on the way back from the dinks house we picked up what was left of my fares family group. They were devastated to hear that their one cousin was so easy. It made me laugh. Later on, after the bars were locked up for the night I was called to this address off of Jasper ave. When I got there this girl ran out, in tears. She wasn't wearing any shoes. Before she could get into my car her boyfriend popped out and demanded she come back. She listened. You could tell it was an abusive relationship. You could tell she played his game. You know it's too bad some women are so weak. I left that trip behind, it made me sad. Then I drove to the 711 on 82 ave and 103 st. There was this guy there I had driven before. I wrote about him, he was using his credit card from work to pay me and buy crack. Well it seems that he lost his job and was begging for money on the street corner. I gave him a couple of bucks and told him the cracks gonna kill him. He said he was fine. I told him he was asking random people for money at 4 am on the street. He laughed, so did I. I wish I was a 22 year old psych major. God it's those damn red heads.

Saturday, February 7, 2009

Business Proposition

Business Proposition, given to me by a fare. He was wealthy looking and he tipped me 40$.Eagle peak resources If your interested in the Dome Mountain Project PDF e-mail with any questions, just tell him I sent you.

Our kids, our youth!

82 ave, I was moving North bound on 107st, saw a couple of cabbies parked, I flip a bitch at the empty 4way. The computer spits out 5$# needs help removing a customer at 107 82ave. I pull up to two cabs, both cabbies are trying to convince this girl to get out of the cab. She's refusing. I tell her to get in to my taxi Ill take her. She gets into my car and says "St Albert". I think "fuck" out loud. It was a slow night. None of the drivers wanted to take her to St Albert without a massive deposit. I never ask for the cash up front. "Cash on dash." People hate that. Offensive. I hate to say it but the truth about taxi is if they get into the car the best way to get them out is to take them home. I took her home. She lived a block away from the house I grew up in. In Lacombe. I turned off the fare and I drove the block over to see it. It's the biggest house on the block. Its my golden age. My dad built it. Tonight wasn't easy.
There were so many cabs. We all had our top lights shinning bright. Fucking cash is hard to Come Buy lately. People are loosing their Jobs. People are still driving around though. Lots of traffic, lots of drunks, lots of empty cabs. The roads were slick, but the drunks were thick.
I drove this Environmentalist, from the Y after hours. He told me that while working for big corporation (Shell) he falsified documents. He took part in changing actual data. Not telling the public the truth. He told me that he's been to Africa, that the Oil trade up there is extraemly unethical. He said " If you bribe someone, its upwards of half a mill. Or a you buy them a house in Aspine and a Cadilac Escalde for the little lady. If you really want to get something done you just grease the polititions." I believe him. I told him "blow the whistle". It's good for Karma. My last fare was a couple of women. West Edmonton Motor inn, the first one comes out. It's 4:30am, she's pregnant. She's trying to cover it up, but she's beyond "showing" She get's in. "Where you going?" I ask "I don't know" she tells me. I turn up the Radio "Use Somebody" by the Kings of Leon. We wait for her friend, she's fucked, she gets in, they were high I think. They tried to say they were drunk. They weren't drunk, it didn't smell, they were sketched. "Where we going?" I ask for the second time. "104 and 105 ave." the pregnant girls friend tells me. I turn up the song, we listen to it loud the whole song. It's short. After I get to talking to the girls, I get a feeling that they are trying to turn some tricks to get some money for "Crack." You have to see, the whole time I was driving those women I could see that girl trying to hide her stomach. She was pretending it wasn't there. It wasn't letting her go but she was still getting high. Intense. She was kind of like those Polititians. Two different worlds same bullshit. Our kids, our youth my house.

Friday, February 6, 2009

GoD=DoG Get it? EviL A LivE

As I drove around the empty midnight streets of Edmonton tonight I wondered how I could portray my vision to you guys. First off I drove a musician, the mother fucker asked me to pull over so he could piss. I pull over and the guy barely steps out the door and flops out this elephant sized cock and takes a huge piss right in front of me. I wasn't phased he was cool. Ladies I believe he is a bass player, look into it. Tell me what you think. Now a situation that only encouraged me to proceed with the writing. O.k I get a call from a couple of personals. West Enders. Cool kids that dig my ride. They get in and with them comes a third guy, I've never driven. We get the talk on and I find out that the new guy has been reading my blog for a few weeks now. He says its interesting. I'm happy as hell about the great feed back. Naturally I figure he got the URL from one of his friends, one of the personal clients I was driving. I was mistaken. The guy found online. On somebody elses blog. Now the cool part was that the three of them were sitting around talking about taking a taxi and the guy who had never been in my car showed the guys my blog and said lets call this guy. My clients looked at each other and said that's Jacob. They both had a copy of my card in their wallets. What a trip. I drove them to the club, great ride. The night wore on and I had a few more clients (not many). The three dudes called me back. I hurried to the club to pick them up. We took the long way home and chatted. Politics, sexuality and God were all topics that came up. The kid who knew me from my blog mentioned that he was a Cynic. This kid is young, his view of the world is still developing. I said I believe in God, I told him I like spirituality in general but I was raised with Jesus and that's the way I've grown accustom to viewing the Almighty mother fucker in the sky. Jesus was God but he was a man. GOD=Man. He was sceptical. I told him "You've been reading my blog, you guys needed a taxi. You showed these boys my blog and said we should call this guy. They knew my number because I had already driven them." I told him "this is what I believe is destiny (fate), you met me through a blog initially and now I'm your designated safe ride home. This phenomenon happened naturally. You have become the topic of my blog." Then I told him "that's God for ya."

Thursday, February 5, 2009

blow your brains out

My first fare tonight was this girl. We started talking about how the police are not into crime prevention. The Police are there to clean up the mess. She told me that she found a bunch of unused bullets on the high level bridge. She said she called the cops and they said that they won't even do a write up about it cause it's just to much paper work. My fare felt that they were neglecting the situation. I asked her what she thought the bullets were going to be used for. She didn't know. I came up with a situation. I figured some dude went up there to blow his mind out and then fall into the North Saskatchewan. My fare got upset with me that I brought up the topic of suicide so randomly and aggressively. I meant no harm. It was just what I thought someone might have brought those bullets up there for. She was offended. I apologized, but really I didn't mean it. Suicide is ....... What is it people? K, here is a funny story for you. There is this day driver from Afghanistan, very cool cat. Well he loves the ladies and he always tries to get with them. This is what he tells me. So one day he is driving this woman, he told me she had dark skin and was very attractive. On the way to her destination the taxi broke down. The woman panicked "what are we going to do?" the day driver announced "we're going to have sex." "No! I have a boyfriend" she said. The day driver told me that she did not have a boyfriend. He called her another cab. The women with the dark complexion waited with the driver in silence. When the second taxi arrived the day driver was very embarrassed, because it was his wife's brother. He said " that night my wife never said a word to me" then he looked at me and asked "do you think she told him about my proposition?"