Sunday, December 30, 2007

I'll Call 911

If I see your drunk ass behind the wheel of any vehicle.
I had to call again last night.
The guy TRIED to run me off the road. Screw you buddy.
The police know who you are now.

For Skin Care and Treatment

A few days left in this year. A lot left in the next. What is it I want you guys to know before 2007 ends. Well I think its better to smoke crack then to do steroids. Think about it crack ruins ya, buy steroids shrink your balls and most men would rather die then live life without balls. Right? Back me up dudes. I'm just joking, no I'm not, yes I am. Whatever. Just say no.
Tonight was the last night a prominent gay night club was open to the public. The only people out getting loaded were gay and not one of them was an asshole. All my gay fares have been great. No that's a lie I've had some scary gay fares but not tonight. Tonight even the dudes who looked scary screwed up were nice. Thanks gay people, party on and stay safe, or mess yourself up it's your choice.
Do you guys wanna hear what gay guys ask me sometimes?
Once I had a guy ask me if I was cut or uncut? How come I've never heard a women ask that?
I once had a big Gay native man (drunk) ask me "could I just hold your penis" I said "no" but he insisted, I resisted all the way to a dirty porn store on Stony Plain Road where I told him to get out. He paid me then he said "you would have gotten a lot more if you just let me touch it". Man I did not choose my sexual orientation and I'm sure neither did he. Who does choose it? Is it genes, or Jesus. Who Knows? but those gays and lesbians sure did throw a mighty bash tonight. Good for you.
I picked up these two young women from there. One was gay the other bisexual both sweet. On the way to their house I mentioned that I was the youngest Taxi driver in the city. The bisexual one had heard of me before, from one of her friends. Her friend had told her that I was a cute spiky haired guy, and that when I gave her a ride home she asked me to come upstairs, I guess I declined. I don't remember the situation. No sex no drugs, those rules go for me too not just the clients.
Have a gay old time on new years everyone, I'll be working so there is no need to get hammered and drive. Remember to call me, I'll pick you up it's my job, ha ha I know my job is to keep the taxi stories alive, they're always uncut.

Saturday, December 29, 2007

Reporters are so Hot in RealLife

Friday before the big end of the world party, sorry end of the year celebration. You wouldn't know that it was the beginning of the weekend by the amount of cash I made tonight. Minimal trust me, a joke, but that's not the only reason I drive. So tonight I drove a reporter, she asked me not to write about her so I won't, but she better leave me a comment or else. Or else what? or else nothing.
On the road it was cold, in the streets there was snow and people who should have spent the night with their families at home. So what happened? My friend who was hurt a few weeks ago came back to work, after what happened to him, man that dude probably has a massive set of nuts. Read the older blogs if you don't know what I'm talking about.
O.k there is this scummy ass bar around Stony Plain Road, sometimes it stays open late. I get fares out of there all the time, it's great. Tonight though I was called there and this drunk guy ran out and asked me to wait. "No problem" so I'm sitting there waiting one, two, three, five minutes maybe more and the guy comes raging out, he slams the door to the bar. I know right then that this guy is dangerous and no good, but I was parked close to the door so he runs at the car and smashes into it. No damage or nothing but freaky. Then his blond hooker looking slut comes running out behind him screaming "what the hell you so angry at?" then this drunk spaze flings the taxis door open, almost rips it right off its hinges. I put the petal to the metal, I wasn't about to have a psychotic, drunk, hooker licking, ass, sitting next to me in a car. I almost ran over the whore, and I almost took him out with the open door, I am happy I didn't but I'm sure it would have gotten me some good credit with the man upstairs. I am starting to see things in a new light and it's not a nice bright light, it's a scary dark basement kind of light and when I feel it coming I do my best to get the hell out of there, but as we all know sometimes we have to go down to that dark place to see the light on the other side of whatever were going through. After that I just drove to the gas station, there some bum asked me if he could use my phone, he called his crack dealer. I have the number it's 537 I'm kidding that would be wrong you dirty bloggers trying to get that dirty light out of me. Ha! never. So the bum gives me back my phone and this girl walks up to my taxi and gets in, while I'm gassing up. I open the passenger side door and while holding the gas nozzle and still pumping gas I ask "are you o.k?" "yeah I'm just cold" she tells me while counting a lot of cash. I shut the door and finish with the refueling and go and pay. Of course I forgot to buy milk for my kid cause I was in such a hurry to hear what this young women in my taxi had to say about her night. So I get in and ask "so where did you get all that cash?" she says nothing. I tell her "I'm not a cop", and ask her if she works Stony Plain Road. She says "No, I steal cars" she was telling me the truth I asked her not to steal mine, and told her that her ride was free. She threw me five bucks, yeah! I love mmm the truth. Be good y'all I hope I survive the new year. I hope we all do.............................happily and safely. Peace.

Friday, December 28, 2007

Morals are for Losers

My morality has changed because of the time I have spent behind the wheel of an Edmonton city hack. I used to think that people that sell themselves in anyway were bad people, but I was wrong. In the world we live in today we are expected to sell our body and soul to get ahead, no to survive. Some people sell their bodies, some push drugs, some people sell their souls to make sure you enjoy your ride home. Whatever it is we do, we waste ourselves trying to do it well. At least we should otherwise we suck at whatever we are doing. A hooker is no good if she actually wanted to suck that Johns dick. A dealer would suck if he actually aimed to be a drug dealer his whole life. A cabbie is no good unless he has a soul to show you the right way. This is how I fell, it's out there. We all know how we feel towards hookers, dealers, thieves and murderers, but we can't judge them, cause we all do what they do to get by, we just can't all agree on that. If we could I would shoot every asshole on the road, and it would be alright. Right? I drove these two gorgeous teens tonight, they were proud to be hookers, and yes they were teens, and proud hookers. How does that work? It doesn't dose it, but that's the way the cookie crumbles. They were one of my best fares in a long time, they gave me beyond a good tip, so because they showed me love I respect them. I wonder if their dad does or their boyfriend, I can't care it would make me even more crazy, and I'm half way to the loony bin already. Good thing there is all those Rabbits and Aussies out there to keep me on track.

Only halfway, no I've been to the crazy house a few times to many. Hahahahahahahaha

Monday, December 24, 2007

Sunday, December 23, 2007

French Fuck

Where to start, o yeah the asshole. Hahahahahah, no I'm sorry that came out wrong the piece of shit. So I was doing my usual loop around Jasper ave when I got a flag. It was an old man standing by the side of the street. I pulled over. The guy was at least fifty, I though, great this is gonna be a piece of cake. Then the guy opens the back door but he doesn't get in, he just stands there with the door open staring at a guy pucking or coughing up a lung behind some cars. I understood right away "close the door I'm not taking him" I said with some authority, but this old coot said "he's fine, he's fine" in a French accent. I was like "no he isn't close the fucking door before he gets in." The old fuck then pushed the drunkard in the front seat. Fuck was the only thing I could think, I kept it to myself. This guy was in the car. When someone gets in your taxi that you don't want there is three ways you can get him out. The first drive them to their destination, it's also the easiest. Two, you can try to use physical force, this is not so easy and it dangerous. Three, you can call for back up, something I've never done, cause I'm young and dumb. I think I'm invincible, but I know I'm not.
The dude in my car is done, he is so drunk he doesn't know up from down, he can't even pronounce the name of his hotel. Good thing the old fuck who let him in the car mumbled something about 69th street and 118ave. The Inglewood inn, dirt. So I'm making my way there with this low life son of a cunt when he starts demanding me to hook him up with a hit of crack. I have to explain in French that I am his taxi driver and I am not the guy that offers hits of crack. I say "relax man calm down, were almost there." The cock sucker starts to flip out waving his fists at me, I moved out of the way and told the mother fucker to just relax, someone in his grimy hotel will hook him up with drugs, I am just a taxi driver. The fuck face did not understand me, so I told the guy the same thing in French. He relaxes. Then a minute later he's on me again about me giving him a hit of crack. This dude is violent, it's not easy to deal with a psychotic drunk Quebecois that does not understand anything, you can't just kick him out because someone like that well try to hurt you as soon as you tell him to get out. This type of person is usually under the influence of drugs and or alcohol. I just kept driving him even though he was making me fell nervous. I informed dispatch that I had a suspicious mother fucker in my car, I asked them to keep an eye on me. That made me feel safer, but not much, things could go wrong in a couple of seconds, this guy might have a knife. I got him to the Inglewood inn he paid me and then just sat there with this threatening look on his ugly mug, and two clenched fists, waiting to hurt me for no fucking reason other then he's a crazy douche. He eventually got the fuck out, thank God, no violence. I radioed dispatch and told them the story. After that I returned to the club where the old man flagged me down. I waited there knowing the old shit eater would be smoking, he came out. I confronted him, I said " That mother fucker is lucky he is not in jail, next time your crack head friend needs a cab tell him to sober up, don't you dare do what you did to me." Then I returned to my car where there was a couple of good people waiting for me. The old guy ran up to my window to try to talk to me, I told him "fuck off ." He said "my friend is not a crack head." I told him he doesn't know his friend then and drove off with the couple. I felt good about telling that old blow job of a man how I felt.
The whole night was filled with those types of misfortunes it seemed. I was wondering why. When at the end of the night I got a call to a gas station, I was gonna ditch it thinking it was bunk. I went and checked. There was these two Innocent girls there and a guy. As fate would have it I had driven these two girls last week. They were nice and I liked them so things began to look up. The boy was waiting for another taxi even though he knew the two girls. I told all three to jump in. On the way there the two sitting in the back seat got their freak on, innocently, you know like young teenage love type stuff, no fucking no blow jobs just kissing. It was fun because they were people I knew. They were people that appreciated a good taxi driver, they ended my night in a good way. God bless them and all the other good people I hauled around tonight.
Fuck the shit that comes out of Edmonton's asshole. This job is gonna kill me, but I fucking love it.

Saturday, December 22, 2007

Smile you got a Photo Radar Ticket

I could write about the schizophrenic lesbian who was on amphetamines, or the crazy autistic man I got stuck in traffic with, or the sweet young lady that had thwarted a bunch of crazy armed lunatics from doing a home invasion on her house while her kids were in the basement but I won't. I am going to tell you people what I hate as a driver in a city. I hate photo radar. Our cops sit and jack off while some seamen splatter of a human being sits in a van and takes pictures of speeding cars. I would rather get pulled over. What are the chances a cop would pull me over for doing 10km over the limit on an empty road. I hate photo radar. How about people who have lots of money does a photo radar ticket effect them, no. They just laugh at all the people who are actually trying to get by. Fuck photo radar. Other then that it was a great night. Almost death to all photo radar operators, almost, like maybe a swift kick in the .............................
O.k don't hurt them, but I don't like them even if they are just doing their jobs, hiding and waiting to get you. Hahahahahahahahahahah evil bastards.

Friday, December 21, 2007

Cocaine in Edmonton is alway's cut Fuck we're nowhere near............

What a great beginning to my working week. I had a great night, financially at least. There wasn't much for stories though. I did deliver not one, not two, but three stool samples this morning, not bad for a twenty five year old hot sh0t.
Earlier on in the night I had my only good fare, three club people, they went to West Ed. The mall is a shitty place to party but fuck me who am I to judge the inside of the clubs. On the way there the three seemed so perfect polite, nice, mmmmm innocent . I liked them and I think they liked me so I gave all three of them my telephone number. Later on in the night I got the call they all needed a ride home, I told them that I won't make it its to far away, they said that's fine could I be there at a quarter past two. A time call, something that I just don't like to do but I liked these kids so I said I'll be there. They were punctual as hell. When they got in I didn't smell the typical alcohol smell, but they had this different attitude about them, not so innocent. I'll let you readers guess what they were on. That's right guys and gals the same old shit every other young hipsters is on. That's O.k I still thought they were sweet, even their nineteen year old boyfriend was cool, I just don't understand why everyone is on drugs. No one smokes weed anymore, no way that's for chumps I guess. After that I was driving these young university scenesters, they were way to innocent, boys too, I think they came from some real good homes cause I don't think that they even used bad language. So while driving them I saw this young girl get kicked to the ground by this asshole of a guy, as he crossed the street in front of us we all told him he was an asshole, I even think that we would of gotten out to protect this womans honor if it wasn't for the fact that the bitch got up and hobbled hurt to his side like he was her knight in shinning armor. That made me sick, you would think that abuse like that would change a persons mind but no the bitch is probably sucking blow off the guys dick as we speak. What do you do? I also drove a famous drummer, I don't think he was what he said he was but another musician did say he was as good as gravy, I know that did not make much sense but there was nothing really good to write about, other then that girl landing on her face. stay safe and remember if he puts you in a jar it 'll make me happy.

Tuesday, December 18, 2007

who Cares?

got DRUNK TONIGHT , in laws are in town to help with the baby, I Love them, Took a taXi home driver was no good, I am A magnificent taxi driver yeah . what a day off .I am on †he radio

Monday, December 17, 2007

Who is the Man?

I called in to a local radio station and left a recording about how there is no check stops this season and they have been airing it. Yeah! I am the man.

Sunday, December 16, 2007

Who needs you Anyway?

Saturday is a great night, when you make lots of money and none of your friends get hurt. Yeah! I'm happy tonight you guys. I've been having strange recurring dreams lately. I'm in a psychiatrists office crying about how my buddies stabbing, and all the other bullshit is starting to effect me, and then all these people I don't know start showing up. I think that they are all people that I've given rides to. There is so many different faces, they all think I'm nuts. I probably am. The psychologist does little to settle my nerves because I wake up too upset to fall asleep. Stress is shitty, but I guess most of us people have to deal with it one way or another. I love to drive the taxi, I love to act like the best cad driver, no the coolest cad driver for whoever it is I'm driving. I am whatever I have to be and I am good at it. The best part about it is I know who I am, and I like myself, except I wish I was rich and drove a taxi for the fun of it.
So Saturday, mmmmmm what happened. It snowed, and that means it was hard to drive around without having problems in traffic, but the snow stopped after the traffic was gone. Its always like that, Ironic. I drove a couple to a first responder party. I like fire fighters, they usually know that the cops aren't doing a good job at policing the city because they have to go out and save peoples lives. Lives that would not be in danger if the police actually did some real crime prevention, instead of jerking each other off. I don't know. I haven't had the chance to drive any cops home in a long while, I'm guessing it's because a drunk cop can drive himself home without any fear of criminal repercussions. There are no check stops this season, I think that's wrong but who am I to judge our shit head police chief, he lowered crime by seven percent, and all he had to do is ignore it wow, no wounder our mayor likes him so much. To bad the mayor probably doesn't go out at night to often. Hey I bet you the chief doesn't either. Hahahahahahah who cares, Fuck I do. To bad. What else, what else. O there was this women who I picked up around 140ave and Victoria trail, I saw her flagging me down frantically but I had a fare so I dropped him off and hurried back to pick this women up. Clerview is a dangerous area for a young girl to be walking alone in. I got back to her, she was still walking which was awesome for me cause I was far from any other fares for sure. So this chick gets in, she is ecstatic to see me, she was scared half to death because her gut was telling her to get the fuck out of there. She tried calling a cab company, but of course all lines were busy. Not surprising. I asked why she was in the neighbourhood. She said "I was at the Oil City when a guy I like asked me to come over, so I jumped into a taxi and forty dollars later I ended up at his front door, but when I knocked there was no answer and the taxi took off, so I started walking". I told her she was stupid to be stuck out in North east Edmonton without any friends near by, I also told her the lucky guy she was on her way to see should be shot. Then she said "Your not like the other taxi driver I had on the way here, that guy made me sit up front, which I thought was weird, but I did it any way, he kept talking about how good I looked, It crept me out". I told her that if she felt that way that she should have reported him, all you have to do is get the number off the side of his cab and call the company he works for and they will look into it, he might be a predator of some sort. She agreed. I got her back to the Oil City for twenty five bucks, fifteen dollars less then the other guy charged her, he was a scam artist to, she should have reported that, he ripped her off and got away with it. He got forty bucks for the same ride I gave this girl, but I got twenty five plus tip. Fuck me, most of those mother fuckers get away with that shit, its stealing you know. Honesty doesn't always pay but at least if I get a knifed in the back I know I'll go to heaven. The other guy won't I hope. I don't want to see him there, thief.
Later that night I got a personal call to a nice west end hotel, the Mayfield except when I got there the bitch ditched me, Cunt. Fortunately there were these two other girls who pretended to be the girls that called me, I knew it wasn't them but I went along with their charade, They came from Fort Macmurry, they were hot, but a little sketchy but in a good way. They asked me not to turn to the fare, they only needed to go to the store for some juice. I didn't push the button and the two immediately loved me. They were dirty ladies, but in a good way at least I pretended, for all I know they worked on the rig pigs out there if you get my drift. They were on some Ziggy star dust, they paid me forty bucks to go to 711 and back, and they made me laugh cause they had a pretty raunchy sense of humor, I like that. A lot of anal jokes, something you don't expect that out of a tiny chick.
My last fare was a women I've driven before, I don't like her because she is slimy and sleazy she was with a guy. I dropped her off, but he wanted to keep going. He said Louise Estates, I started moving in that direction when he changed his mind, he needed me to drive him up this west end ally. I know the ally, Crack dealers house. He made the phone call. By the way he was talking to the guy I knew it was his second trip there tonight. The dealer said that the last time they met my fare shorted him twenty dollars. My fare said that that was impossible he counted the money himself, it was all there, the crack dealer insisted. My fare eventually broke down and said that he would repay the twenty dollars but he needed to score some more. The baby killer said that he would have to call back in five minutes and hung up. My fare asked me if I would wait, I said "no, I don't make money standing still, we can wait for him as long as I keep my wheels moving on the road". I started driving he called the dealer back to find out where he was so maybe we could meet half way, my fare got a busy signal. I told him it was a sign he should just go home and sleep, not tweak out. I turned toward his address without his permission, then he agreed, he said " I know I paid the full amount the last time, that mother fucker is working me, yeah take me home". On the way to his house I asked him if he owns his house, he said "yes". I told him that if he kept smoking that shit he would loose it in a couple of months. He knew I was right. Then I asked if he has any kids. He said " I have custody of my one son, I'm a single father". That freaked me out. The guy was cracked out and he was a little kids father, fuck. I asked how old his son was, he said "seventeen". I let out a sigh of relief. A seventeen year old can at least get out of a bad situation like that. The guy told me that he had relapsed last week, but he did not have a problem. I said "You relapsed after being clean, and now your going back for more and its only been a week, buddy you are in more trouble then you think, get out now or you'll loose your house and kid in a month". He knew I was right. He said in a sad voice " I know, the last time I did it I sat in my closet, scared that my kid was gonna catch me, I stared at the closet walls for hours, I was fucked". I told him "I may only be a twenty five year old punk, but I've seen what that shit does to anyone that touches it, stay off of it and your life will go right back on track, I was a user once, until my kid was born, I've been clean for almost two years, Ive made some mistakes but If I can do it a dude who raised a seventeen year old can do it too." He told me that I was wise beyond my years because he was gonna try to clean himself up. I'm pretty sure he took my talk to heart because he said he was going to sit a home and watch Heroes the T.V show he bought on DVD instead of the closet wall. We laughed he tipped me ten bucks , I saved him hundreds just for the night , if he stays clean I saved him thousands and if he does not go back to that lifestyle I think I might have saved his life.

Saturday, December 15, 2007

Drug Bust Mommy

Friday night came and went. No money no problems. Fucking boring. I got some decent stories. First there was the women I picked up earlier in the evening. She flagged me down on a 109st and Jasper ave. When she got in she told me to get her to the west end on the double. I asked what the problem was. "Well I just got a phone call from my seventeen year old son, he told me that there is ambulance outside" she answered. My first though was that the womens husband had a heart attack or something. So I asked "where is your husband?" She said " o well I guess he is at home." I asked if he was alright. She said "yes he's fine. It's my seventeen year old, he has friends that are probably to blame." I started to paint a picture of the situation. I figured that the teenager might have some issues with some nasty types. So I asked her "does your boy do drugs?" She was an honest lady and she told me the truth "I think so, his head hasn't been screwed on too tight lately" she paused took a breath and sighed then said "we tried to tell him those other boys were no good, but he just wouldn't listen. Now there is and ambulance and some police cars waiting for me to get home. Fuck I was at my companies Christmas party. This was the first Friday night I had left the house in years." I felt bad for her for a second then realized that the reason that the kid was in trouble was that the parents did not want to keep the bad apple on a tight leash. Just let the kids do as they please and things well work out for the best. Well she now knows that's bullshit. I told her that the city is filled with young punk gang member who don't give a shit because they don't have to, their parents don't care and give them way to much freedom. She said " I know you're right" I told her to get the kid to take a drug test if it's positive for drugs (weed is not a drug) then give him the option to throw the habit, or live the street life on Stony Plain road. She told me "I already tried to get him to take a drug test but the little bastard ran off". I said that the cops are at your house for a bad reason maybe a drug test will be a good thing that comes out of it, she agreed. She got to her house the cops were everywhere she tipped me ten bucks and went in to her home to face the music. If you the reader have any kids don't let them run loose in the big city or else you know what will happen.
As I was writing this blog I got a phone call it's 6:30 am some dude at a west end address called me looking for a half for sixty, I told him I'm done work and that I drive a taxi I don't push blow. He said that his name is Chris and that I can trust him because I know him, He sounded fucked up. You Guys life is fucked up in many ways so fuck doing blow and live life, but if you need chemical help ask your doctor, he'll fuck you good I promise.
There was also this girl she is under eighteen and already has two kids and a third on the way, when I dropped her off she said she did not want to pay, then she got away but fuck I'm to tiered to write her story today so come back tomorrow and I'll write you the rest OK. O I got a good picture of a bad ass taxi accident.

Friday, December 14, 2007

Stupid, No No, Ignorant Yeah

Another Thursday, sweet sweet Thursday night, what to write what to write. First off I need to get this off of my chest, Edmonton is a viciously violent city. To those of you who do not agree I'm right you are Ignorant. There is this line in a Puddle of Mud song, "Ignorance spreads lies how much can money buy?". MMmmmmmm in this economically booming city lots, fuck lets just say way to much. I just hope that all the high school teachers out there in this fine shit hole of a city know that. Saying that Edmonton is not dangerous is like saying that having unprotected sex with someone you know nothing about is safe. Saying that Edmonton is a safe place to live because some cop told you that it is, is like saying that crack is good for you cause some pimp told me that its good for me. Fuck I had an ignorant women in my car tonight. She made me angry because aaaa fuck it forget her she is going to learn sooner or later, I really just hope she is not a teacher or anyone important. Ignorant aahh.
Tonight was good other then that. I had a young mom in my car, she was a brand new mom. She was having problems though. Her father was forcing her out of the house which she shared with him and her newborn baby boy. That sucks, she was a cool young girl. I asked about the father, she told me he was an abusive asshole and she had to leave him because he was beating her while she was pregnant. I asked her if he was paying child support, she said no. I of course asked why, she told me that he had moved back to the east coast. I told her to get a lawyer and get the piece of shit, and make him legally responsible for his kid. She said that she tried legal aid but they told her that there is a cost involved and it would have to come out of her pocket. Fuck, that's not a big deal I told her that there is a place at the University that deals with cases for free. As long as you have a solid case they will help her. She got excited, actually so did I, her littler baby deserves a decent home. He dose not need an abusive man out there knocking other girls up while not dealing with the consequences of his past, fucking bastard. We live in Canada one of the wealthiest countries in the world why does this shit happen? Lady if you are reading my blog make sure your babies daddy is faced with the law, it can't do very much if you don't help it.
And all you high school teachers try not to spread backward bullshit ideology you heard from an old policeman neighbour or something to our young generation, if they are taught to think the way a women in the back of my car was thinking, girls might not ever realize that whether they like it or not they are ticking time bombs, shaped like hour glasses dropping little pieces of themselves once a month until of course nature take its course and a new little person is meant to be, you guessed it in this world for a long time.

Sunday, December 9, 2007

Learn to Swim

Saturday night was fantastic for me in the beginning. I drove a lot of my personal clients I love them all they all keep me safe , they are all safe in general. So many nice people. I even picked up four homeless people, I've seen all of them before. There was two guys one of them was ex military, he was originally from Newfoundland. He told me he has been homeless for seven years. He talked a lot. He said things like I'm an alcoholic, I've traveled across the country seventeen times. I believed him. I asked why he doesn't get a real job, get a house. He took offence to that, panhandling in -20 weather is work ya know, that's true. I told him I meant like get a real job and get a wife have some kids. He then told me that his wife was killed in a car accident eight years ago, she was careering his child, hence the life change. Good reason. He was thirty four.
There were two girls in the back seat with a guy, all their homeless gear was so bulky I could hardly see their faces. One of the girls was sixteen the other was seventeen, they to were chronic boozers, even though they weren't old enough to buy booze. The sixteen year old girl tripped me out, her parents lived in Edmonton, her dad was living in a trailer and mom had a basement suit somewhere. She did not want to live with them. I'm guessing they were heavily sedated people. This sixteen year old girl is someone that is visible in the downtown core of E- town, Remember that shit when you see homeless people. The twenty seven year old in the back only talked about how cool I was that I picked them up and let them smoke cigarettes in the car. I drove the four of them to an isolated place south of 23rd ave. It was -20 and the four were going to drink ten beers and half a bottle of wine in a tent in the middle of nowhere. That's is insane, I cut their fare in half cause they were cool and homeless. Sixteen years old, can you imagine, if not take a look outside.
That stuff is nothing compared to what happened to me and my last fare. Nothing I've ever experienced in my life is like what happened to me tonight. I picked a girl up around 118th ave and 124st. As soon as she told me the address I turned up Smells like teen spirit by Nirvana, I was rude to the girl I didn't even ask if she minded , I didn't care it's one of my favorite songs. When it ended I said I was sorry I just had to listen to it loud. She laughed and told me about her night . Bob Marley was on the radio Jammin, I was commenting on how I liked that song too when a fellow cab driver pulled up next to me, he looked distraught. As I was moving I opened the window, the other driver had his hand on his neck, he started yelling I've been stabbed, I've been stabbed. Then he took his hand off his neck and I saw the blood. Fuck for real, this was bad. He still had someone in the taxi, I guessed it was the stabber. I told my fare we have to follow him, she agreed. He ran red lights and he was moving at dangerous speeds I could not keep up with him without putting the girl in the back seat in danger. Fuck I lost him. While I was trying to keep up wit him I was trying to radio in to dispatch. O, this other taxi driver worked for the same company I do. He is actually the only other cab driver that ever acknowledged me as a taxi driver, he's my friend and I lost him, dispatch never answered me, that's bad, very bad for our safety. I had to phone 911 for the third time in two weeks . When was the last time you phoned 911? Its scary every time , who cares though 911 put me on hold, fuck the police. So my dispatch would not answer me 911 had me on hold and I had a fare in the back seat while I was yelling into the radio microphone for help, and waiting for 911 to help. What would you do? Scary for real. I drove around downtown looking for where he went, Then 911 answered I told them the story over the phone while driving around like a maniac looking for my buddy who just got stabbed and was nowhere to be found, Then dispatch came back from smoking a fat ass joint probably and asked whats up, 911 was still on the phone and the chick that was in the back wanted me to drive her somewhere else, I kicked her out on Jasper ave. ""can I change where I wanna go" fuck you bitch a dude just got stabbed you saw him bleeding and you wanna pick up some coke somewhere else, catch another cab.Fuck off. I kicked her out next to another taxi a least, she got in. I kept on looking. 911 got a hold of dispatch and no longer needed me, phew. I screamed at dispatch for being assholes and not doing their job, Its true what happened was wrong, they should be there to help all the time. Fuck them. Five more minutes went by when they told me that the cops found the driver he was with the girl at the Royal Alex hospital. I drove their as fast as I could. I was scared, this was one of the worst situations I had ever been a part of. Scared for my friend, all I could think about was all the blood, his face his neck, the hand that he waved at me. aaaa, and no one to help him, but he made it to the hospital with the culprit. When I showed up there the girl was handcuffed next to my friends running taxi, he was in emergency, what happened no one could tell me. The girl in handcuffs was like fifteen , I heard part of her story, she said there were others that did it. Fuck her I saw her eye's she was on drugs she wasn't even bothered by what happened, Fuck that she is shit, even if it was not her she knew it was coming. Little twat. I wrote down my statement for the Police, who were nonchalant. Fuck them, If you don't care about that shit then you shouldn't be a Cop. One of the cops said its our fault because we don't have a 500$ barrier in the car. Like that's my choice, some dude makes a lot of money off me every week, he owns the car not me I have no choice, it's not actually my car, it's a millionaires car. And he did not become a millionaire by protecting the drivers he did it by watching his fucking budget, so coper eat a dick. Later I was having a smoke outside and I was watching the cops park my friends taxi, it was a crime scene so it was suppose to be done right. The cop just ran it up the curb, bottomed it out and almost blew a tire. Then while he was trying to turn the computer off, a bum who just left the hospital jumped in and told the cop his address, The cop just looked at him the dude wanted to go home, he jumped in the first cab he saw. That made me laugh, the dude destroyed evidence for sure. Contamination. The cop then told him to get the fuck out of his crime scene, the drunken man finally realized that the guy in the front seat was a police officer. Holy shit. Tonight was so rough that I wanted to pray for so much rain it washes humanity away, except those that I love and the good people of course, they are all welcome in my magic boat when that happens, but until then take some swimming lessons.

Saturday, December 8, 2007

Green Eyed Monster

Tonight was miserable for most of the night. It's so cold in Edmonton, -20 not including the wind chill. Fuck. I drove a lot of people, that's a lie tonight consisted of about fifteen fares, 400km. Most of the mileage was wasted looking for my next customer. The University kids are all studying for their finals. I miss school. I did drive some regulars, Gigglers I love you, You took good care of me. Bank girls I love you to, and I'm sorry I couldn't pick you guys up from the bar, get some sleep though or you'll end up in jail or worse. I drove to the military base with a couple of twins. The strange thing about the twins was that one was in the army and the other hated it and did not understand why his brother joined. They both got a Baconator at Wendy's,the same thing hmmmm. They were good people either way.
The shooting last night, was some girl, not my gas station attendant friend. Thank God or don't. We all know God doesn't care till we die. Then who knows, o ya he does. Hahahahah.
My last fare was a doctor, smart lady, I could tell, even though I did most of the talking. I picked her up at the hospital at four thirty am and she was going to the the airport. That's a first for me.(From hospital to airport different) I started talking about how sometimes I get jealous of all the people who get to party and play while I work. I work to support my family, I got a family I'm only twenty five but I support my peps. Then the doctor lady told me that her father is in the hospital with many serious health problems. None of his children live in Edmonton, they all just fly in to see him all the time, like its no big deal. She told me that he tells her that having children was the best decision he ever made. That made me feel less jealous. I can see where he is coming from, every time my little man looks at me with his sixteen month old eyes, I am so proud. I also realized that the people that go out and party like there is no tomorrow do it because they don't have those loving eye's at home reassuring them that there is another day so you better be there sober, not hung over and smiling like you just found a four leaf clover. Sorry kids I got sentimental on you asses, If you don't like it go fuck yourself. Kidding. No I'm not.

Friday, December 7, 2007

Lights Out

Gang members killed a women, she was shot to death outside of a Gas station. I just heard the news on T.V. O boy. They blew her head off in a car. Yon know the rest.

Red Tape

Thursday, sweet sweet Thursday. What can I say? Tonight I made two hundred and sixty bucks, not much, but nothing to complain about, for eight hours of work on a Thursday. You know tonight I wanted to write about delivering hot club girls high on blow to the Bank and back, or a bum women who lives in an abandoned taxi at the lot where I work. Sure the girls over paid me handsomely (thank you ladies, you know who you are) and sure sleeping in a car in the dead of winter in Edmonton is deadly, but tonight I have something different to say. Love your gas station attendants, tip them and never disrespect them, unless their assholes. The reason I'm talking about gas station attendants is because tonight as I was cruising toward my favorite Petro Can I was startled to see a few cop cars in the parking lot and several on the road blocking traffic from all directions. I had no way to get in. You see the people that sell me gas are usually like me , they work the night shift, and we like to shoot the shit about our night. Well all those cop cars scared me, and the fact that I couldn't get in there to see what happened annoyed me. I wanted to see my gas station lady. She is a little older but tough and funny, someone I like to see at the end of my night. I drove around for a while, non of the cops would give me answers about the situation. So I fueled up somewhere else, somewhere were I fill up sometimes, I like the lady and dude that work there too, it's just a little out of my way. There I told them that I think that one of the clerks at the Petro Can might be hurt. The people who heard my story were intrigued, I thought they might have more information about what happened, but they had nothing. I drove the car back to the lot at the end of my shift, I parked my cab next door to the homeless lady. I was worried about my friend, when another Taxi driver pulled up, I asked him if he knew what was going on on a hundred and fifty sixth street and ninety fifth ave, He told me it was a gang shooting. It was over drugs, people were hurt, not only at that location, the gun fight moved around. Thank God I'm pretty sure my friend survived, I hope. Gangstas quite that God awful lifestyle and start driving a cab it's great fun, its exciting and all the money you make is yours. No one will ever shoot at you, well you never know. Maybe do what you want, because like Freddie Mercury sang "It doesn't really matter to me......any way the wind blows". Stay safe out there people.

Wednesday, December 5, 2007

A Rookies Welcome

Another cold night in the city of Edmonton, but tonight is a Wednesday night. I don't work the hump day. In my opinion only the rotten apples have to come out in the middle of the week, the good ones stay at home with their families. Tonight does have a certain chill in the air and snow, fuck the snow, but it dose remind me of a crazy fare I had on a Wednesday night. This Wednesday in particular was two years ago, it was during one of the biggest snow storms of the year. Scary! Ya. I was a dumb ass rookie. I was just begging to understand the laws of physics of taxi driving. Like think about this? who goes out during a big snow storm. Mmmmmmm, you got the addicts, their looking for a fix. You got the boozers jonzing for a drink. Whores looking to keep warm and dogs needing to take a shit.
So I'm out their getting use through the inch and a half of snow falling every half hour, trying to make a living. Fuck, I was having fun. Until, of course the Hump day Bump came along. I was driving up Calgary Trail south of eighty second avenue. There is a pretty well known club there, I was looking for a flag, it was closing time. Then I saw a women flag me down through all the falling snow. I slam on the brakes, slide, and stop. I then see this girl get a right jab, bang straight in the face. Fuck, I'm a rookie I watch as she starts stumbling toward my car, but right as her bloody face becomes clearly visible through the snow and foggy windows she turns around. "Don't go back" I yell through the slowly opening window. She doesn't hear me. The man starts to pummel her. I get out of the car, I yell for him to stop. The two drag themselves toward the entrance of the bar, I want to pursue but I can see two mother fuckers jumping into my car. Fuck. It's parked in the middle of Calgary Trail. I jump back in. There is a Big fat Native man sitting in the front seat and a little white dude in the back. I tell them I need to help this women, that man is kicking her ass. I watched these to assholes run right by them I knew they didn't give a flying fuck. As I start to back up, the native dude says " ya o.k I got a knife" then proceeds to pull out his weapon. "Fuck, put that shit away and get out of the cab" I scream. Then the native dudes pulls out five or six hundred bucks. "O.k then where are we going?" I ask, I'm back in business. I was also a dumb ass newbie. " Speaking of money" the native dude says turning to the man in the back seat. The man says nothing. He is awesome looking. He's dressing in a spring denim Jacket and jeans. Its cold in Edmonton, it was cold that night. Also he was wearing a pair of sunglasses late at night, and the best part about them was they were missing a lens. He looked priceless. "Money?" the native man said again, then turned back to the dude and slapped his spaced out face with the four hundred dollars he was holding. The man all of a sudden reached into his pocket and pulled out a ATM card. "Stop at the next gas station" the oversize stinky native man demanded. I did as I was told, I was a little bit frightened and a little bit intrigued. The two entered the Gas station. Only the Native dude came back, he had the bank card. I always wounder what happened to the other guy, it was an awful night. The Native dude and me moved on. He stunk, bad. He told me a Millwoods address, fuck, Millwoods difficult to navigate in on a bright sunny day. Now cold and snowing like a sun of a bitch we looked for that address. On the way there the Native man confessed to me that he is a Spiritual leader, a shaman of sorts. To this day I believe him. We get to the address. Two new people get in the car, a girl and her dirty old big bent nose pimp. I could tell she was a hooker, a street walker, they have a distinct smell. USED UP. fuck. She was fucked up on something. They sat in the back and the stinky shaman got up front with me. The two do a drug deal, my fare, the spiritual leader hands the pimp over all his money. I mention something about saving some for me, I get ignored. I was still new I wanted to make a good impression to all my clients, even the garbage ones. I kept quiet.
It was around this time that the young princess in the back started convulsing in the back. She started yelling that her head was going to explode. The way she was twitching I was getting read to duck and cover while maneuvering a Ford Crown Vic through a freshly snow covered street. "Stop immediately, I'm a shaman, I can fix her just stop the car" the shaman cried out with a crack haze conviction. Then she started yelling "no fuck off, it was those mushrooms you gave me they did this. Its been happening all night." I stop the car, the Shaman makes his way to to the passenger side door. He opens it and tells the girl to lie down on the seat and stick her head out the door. She listens like he's her Shaman. I imagine him slamming the door on her head. He's crazy, but he doesn't he grabs her chin and her forehead and he twists, actually he jerked hard. I gasped because I thought he broke her neck, so did the pimp. She got up though, good as new. Phewwwwwww. Scared me half to death, good thing he did not slip on the snow, it was still coming down hard, we were leaving fresh tracks. The pimp and his head broken whore got out on the south side, me and the magical crack smoking, mushroom Shaman kept going. He gave me an address downtown off of a hundred and seventh avenue. I had no Idea how bad of a neighborhood it was yet, remember I was still new. Then he kept asking me if I did dope, I said "nope." When we got to the apartment complex where he was going to, the snow subsided, I could see a few feet in front of me. This made me happy and so did getting this guy home. Except upon arrival the at least two hundred pound man told me he had no money. The fare was fifty five dollars, it was made driving in the worst snow storm ever. Then he pulled out a huge hand full of dried up mushrooms, presumably the ones that got that crack twat sick. "No I don't want that I want my money" I told him. Then he tried to bribe me with one more hand full telling me I told him I do dope. Lies all lies, this fucker used me like an asshole and he was going to get away without paying. Remember I was still stupid and naive. The shaman left me that night with a good story , a bunch of fungus crumbs that messed up the floorof my car and a shit stink that I couldn't cover up because I think he actually took a dump while he was in the car, Fucker. As I watched him waddle his fat ass away, I thought how cool it would be if he tripped and fell, and then he did, no just joking but that would have been great, no he overdosed on a couple of eight balls of crack later that nigh. Well maybe. Fuck. Maybe he thought about me and cleaned up. AaAwwWww. Who Knows?

Monday, December 3, 2007

Rape Me Why Don't Ya?

I've been driving a taxi for almost two and a half years. I am currently driving in Edmonton, but I started driving in the Rocky Mountains. Banff was where I started. The small tourist community has lot of crazy stories, here is one. One day after a long night of partying I woke up to a telephone call. The man behind my sleep interruption was a Constable. He asked if he could see me at my house. I agreed. This was the law I was talking to. So when the man showed up I met him outside. We started to talk in the cop cruiser. He asked me if I had driven a man named Rick (not his real name) on Saturday night. I said no. Saturdays was my day off in Banff. The Taxi company I worked for had me working shift work. I knew the man he was asking me about, he was a drug addict. Cocaine and crack. I asked what he did. The officer told me he used me as an alibi, that I drove him home late that Saturday evening. This was a lie. I did no such thing, like I said it was my day off. The cop then told me the boy was accused of breaking into a young womens house and brutally raping her. Fuck this is awful I thought, and the fucking rapist used me as his alibi, and now he is missing. Fuck. The cop gave me his number. I lost the card.
A month later my girlfriend got pregnant and I moved from the beautiful Rockys to evil, dark, old, and ugly Edmonton. This is were my girlfriend lived. I started driving a taxi in Edmonton, were I am known as the youngest driver in the city. Yes I am also a young father, but a good one. So I'm driving a cab in this shit hole of as city when, on my way home from a long night shift I drive by a couple of people. Even though I had just refueled, and I was on 107 ave (prostitute haven) I stopped for the two, it was very cold. When the two got in I asked were they were going, The guy told me to drive east, I asked for a exact address. He just told me to keep moving. The women he was with was a crack whore. They both appeared to be sketched out. Them the guy asked me if I ever lied in Banff. I said yes and turned to have a better look at this guy who knew me. It was him the dirty Rapist mother fucker. I was shocked, and a little frightened, he was with another women. Then I remembered you can't rape a crack whore. ahhahahahaahah. Jokes aside this guy was wanted for raping a girl brutally. I told him he was in big trouble, and he asked me why. I said you know why. Then the whore started yelling " you' re going the wrong way you're going the wrong way" I don't think she knew that this guy was sought after by the police, whores don't care. I wasn't going the wrong way I was moving toward the cop shop, I wanted to get this fucker. But the whore kept yelling and yelling, like only a crack hooker can. She asked to be let out I stopped the two both got out. The rapist got away . Fuck. How is it that I found the mother fucker on the streets by accident before the cops? That higher power works in mysterious ways.

Sunday, December 2, 2007

In The Palm of Your Hands

What a cold night it was in the bitter sweet city of Edmonton. There is little to talk about what happened in the cab tonight so I am going to resort to writing about other people stories. These people shared their stories with me and I thank them, they know who they are.
First there was this nice little lady named Briana, she is a bartender. She works in a bar on Stony Plain road so you know its a dirty story. She told me that there is this weirdo who hangs around the bar, well the other night he was looking for some attention. He went outside and jerked off behind a van. That's pretty strange but he used his phone to video tape it and then ran around showing to all the waitresses. Gross. The worst part is (other then the whole thing) I bet you I've driven him. Aaaaaa.
Then there was Lanky and Danko, these two are a couple of buddy's I picked up on white ave. They were cool, so I started sharing some Taxi cab events with them. I told them about the whore who sucked some dudes dick in the back seat. Its a rough story. Then they told me their taxi sex secrets. Danko was in the back of a Yellow Taxi, when the girl he was with said she could not go over to his house. Well, Danko couldn't go home without a happy ending, so he asked her to jerk him off in the cab. The Chicky had no problems giving him a hand job in the back seat of some cab, but she was left with a hand full of cum. He told me that she held it in the palm of her hand the whole way home. Good Girl. O but Lankys story was dirtier, He got a blow job in the back of a Capital taxi, the girl got the kid off, but she didn't swallow, o no, Lankys cum is probably on the back of your pants, well, that is if you ever took any taxi. After the girl got out lanky stayed in the car, the cab driver who according to lanky was an out of towner applauded our young hero. Some Taxi drivers enjoy a live sex show. I don't think that their customers enjoy rubbing their asses on a seat covered in seamen though. So next time you take taxi ask the driver if the seats are clean, or better yet take a bus. I'm kidding These are other kids horror stories bare with me. They had others and most people do.
Tonight there was one weird guy in the back of my cab, he was with this bad ass little lady who just could not get over the fact that the man in the back seat was Jesus, yes ladies and gentle men I drove Jesus tonight, he was from Rio In Brazil, and yes he was amazing. The only problem with Jesus was that the girl that loved him so much she paid me to drive him home instead of letting him stay the night, that's why Jesus was a virgin until he died.
I also drove a women who said she did not believe in God, I asked why. She told me her friend was murdered. The murderer was the victims family member, my fare could not understand how God could let something like that happen, who knows if God is real, but if he or she or whatever it is real it just doesn't give a flying fuck about anything. Especially humanity, at least on earth. But maybe one day whatever it is will. All you can really do is wait and see.

Saturday, December 1, 2007

Blow The Pain Away

Saturday night is tomorrow, tonight was Friday. Aaaa what a shit show, the money was reasonable, but the tips were shit, not from everyone but lots of people sucked. The few that did tip me are all going to heaven.
Quite night in the cab, and out to tell you kids the truth. There was one women she was insane. I picked her up not far from the Transit Hotel, bad area, but what do you do? She needed a ride to Fort Saskatchewan, a decent sized trip. So we are on our way, we hit the Yellow Head and start moving east. When we reached Victoria Trail the women debated weather we should turn toward 118ave so she could score some crack. It's her decision to make not mine so I listen. She asks me if she could use my cell phone I say yes. She dials the bastard Crack dealer, he says no. Fuck. The old bitch starts to go haywire, she needs to find some Crack. She asks me if I know anyone, and the truth is I drive hundreds of drug dealers every night. Some leave me their digits and some don't. I trow them all away. The only numbers I take are those of friends, not children killers. She needs the crack bad. She asks for the phone again. who you calling ? I ask. She tells me its a guy who tried to burn down her house, but he can hook her up with the Crack. I give her the phone. She call. Its good. The dude lives in Fort Saskatchewan. On are way she tells me to avoid the exit and keep going , she knows a short cut. So we drive on. Then she realizes there is no short cut so we have to back track to the Fort. Her fare came to around eighty dollars, she starts to bitch that it's too much. I don't care it was her short cut that caused her the financial distress. She says she won't pay. So I radio dispatch and ask for the address of the closest police station. In my mind I know the bitch has Cash for the Crack dealer why shouldn't I get paid for doing my job, and some Crack dealer mother fucker gets more then his fare share. Fuck that we start moving toward the police station. She gets scared. Then she takes out eighty bucks and pays me. She also calls me some fucked up names, but I don't care, I even kind of like her a little more, come on she gave me eighty bucks, she can call me anything she wants as long as she doesn't touch me. I drop her off at the dealers. She gets out angry. Who cares Crack face.
Later on I pick up these two wealthy looking men. They direct me to a 711 on 91st and 82ave. When a SUV pulls up, I get the clue. The two dudes are buying blow. Throughout a night I see lots of drugs, too many in fact. The crack dealers are lucky that I don't report them to crime stoppers. I don't though, I'm not a rat, but I will tell on Johns and drunk drivers. Dealers get away with a lot in Edmonton, the cops allow them to roll around pretty freely. They would rather pull over a taxi, less paper work. Drug dealers are easy to spot. They are sober, talking on a cell phone in a Asian import car. They are always cocky those dealers, but fuck them let them go to hell for all I care. So the two dudes pick up some blow, They snorted it on the way to their house, I could tell, cause if your fare is high they tip decently.
My last fare was a dealer, but not cocaine , this guy sold X, PCP, special K all those cheesy party drugs. He asked if I was a cop as soon as he got in my car, at that point I knew he was a dealer. Whatever.
O and there was a group of good people that enjoyed my ride so much that the guys said I turned them gay. Wow, I'm good and strait what an accomplishment.